


how seven idiots stole the light of creation

by sanvitheartificer



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Adventure Zone: Balance (Podcast)
Genre: AU, Accidental Child Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Brian/Dracula is now a pairing in this story i guess, College AU, F/F, F/M, Found Family, Gen, Heist AU, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Shenanigans, Swearing, as many dumb tropes as i can cram into one fic, i'm not gonna tag all my characters headcanons but like everyone's queer and neurodivergent, ipre adopts angus collectively and you can't stop me, long-lost siblings, multiple POVs, road trip au, tw: meltdown, tw: sensory processing issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-09-17 07:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16970679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanvitheartificer/pseuds/sanvitheartificer
Summary: The object now most commonly known as “The Light of Creation” has a knack for showing up in  places that will make history. It has shone on king's brows during bloody wars. It has been the centerpiece of altars in eras of peace. In all the greatest scientific or cultural renaissances of the past five hundred years, historians find records of the Light.But what is the Light of Creation? Where does it come from? And, most puzzling of all, where does it go? Despite its notoreity, there are very few records of how the Light travels from war to church, scientific revolution to bloody revolt. It is almost as though this artifact, ascribed with the power to turn back time, permanently transmute any substance, and call storms down from the skies, also has the power to disappear and reappear only when the moment is right...--Excerpt from the introduction of Illumination, Inspiration, Curse: The Light of Creation Throughout History, by Gilley Krebsor: how seven idiots stole the light of creation, went on the lam, and accidentally became a family.





	1. SETUP

“Okay, let's go over the plan,” Lucretia said, to herself. “At 10:49 AM in the morning of October the 29th, I will enter the faculty office hallway through the side door that's behind the vending machine of the student atrium. There definitely will not be dragons, because the university does not employ any dragons, and I have prepared three blackout shields, which should work for most races up to spellcasting level 5, and I will use them on the guards if necessary and it will be fine, and then I will use a lockpick rune to get through the door, and I will study and take notes on the Light for a maximum of one hour, and then I'll leave, undo the blackout shield and cast a minor memory spell, and walk back into the student atrium, and join the midnight Knitting Club meeting, which should cover my escape and hopefully give me an alibi if evidence of the break in is uncovered.”

 

“Shit, I'm actually going to go through with this, aren't I? I'm really doing this,” Lucretia said, breathing in through her mouth, out through her nose. “Oh, _Istus_ , this is actually gonna happen.”

 

“Hey, Lucretia, you chill?” Killian yelled. “I don't wanna yell at ya if you're uh, freaking out, but you've been in there for thirty minutes and I gotta shit.”

 

“Uh! One minute!”

 

Lucretia stared at herself in the mirror. “You can do this, Lucretia. No one's gonna be there, no one's gonna even _know_. It's gonna be baller. Nothing – nothing can possibly go wrong.”

 

“Lucretia! If you don't open the door in thirty seconds I'm going to bust it down!”

 

“Coming!”

 

\---

 

“You read the school paper yet?” Ren said, flopping onto the overstuffed, stained sofa next to Lup. Ren didn't _technically_ live in Taako and Lup's one-bedroom apartment, she had a dorm room on campus, but she stayed over enough that the difference was mostly semantics. She cleaned and did the dishes and yelled at the landlord when things didn't get fixed, so the no-rent thing evened out. “I was picking up my mail and 'parently there's some science thing that dropped outta the sky. The Light of Creation, or something? I mostly skimmed it.”

 

Lup chucked her secondhand calc textbook at the sad, leaking beanbag chair. _An excuse to not think about fuckin' integrals!_ “No, but that sounds sick, you got a copy?”

 

Ren tossed her the latest _Manticore Message_. Front and center, there it was: “Light of Creation discovered by Neverwinter University Vice President!

 

“The Light of Creation is a mysterious, but incredibly powerful magical artifact. Historical documents suggest it is able to create unbreakable shields, stable illusions, or even bring the dead back to life. However, it also has a reputation for disappearing and reappearing at will. Its last known location was in the possession of Roman Miller, one of the founders of Neverwinter University, more than a century ago.

 

“Reportedly, the Light dropped out of the sky near the student greenhouses on October 21st. John Hunger, Vice President of the University, said, 'I have never seen anything so beautiful, or so strange. It was if life itself decided to drop from the sky at my feet.' He was accompanied by a faculty member, who chose to remain nameless.

 

“The Light of Creation will be displayed in the Hallwinter Arcana Center's secure viewing room beginning Monday, November 5th. President Morrigan reports that they plan to give selected graduate and post-grad students the chance to study the Light during the spring semester.

 

“It will join the HAC's impressive collection of magical items, including...”

 

“Huh, cool.” Lup said, crumpling up the paper. “It's pretty chill that it can, like, bring the dead back to life, that's some goth shit.”

 

“I dare you to go steal it,” Ren said, sitting up. “Tonight.”

 

“Oh? Is that a challenge?” Lup said, leaning in, locking eyes. “And what'll you give me?”

 

“I don't know, lovergirl,” Ren said, “What _will_ I give you?”

 

“No making out on the couch!” Taako yelled, from the kitchen.

 

“Fuck off!” Ren yelled back. “It's not a bad idea though,” she continued. “I mean, they _did_ say it has a reputation for disappearing, that's practically begging for it to get stolen. And it's not in the HAC yet so they're probably keeping it in, what, the faculty offices? Probably VP Hungie Boy's? You and Taako break in there for fun. It'd be hilarious, Lup, you _gotta_ , you could always return it later!”

 

“Ehhh,” Lup said, “That's all true but lotta trouble for a shiny rock or whatever, y'know?”

 

“I'll give you fifteen bucks.”

 

“Yeah, we're doing this,” Lup said.

 

“Uh, ' _scuse me,_ ” Taako said, poking his head into the living room, “That 'we' sounded suspiciously like “Taako and me”, and that's, uh, that's not gonna fly, babe. Cha'boy's got a date.”

 

Lup raised an eyebrow. “Uh-huh. What's his name?”

 

Taako said, “L- Leeeeeman. Leeman Kessler.”

 

“You mean the fake name our intro bio prof used in _every single_ homework question?” Ren said.

 

Taako said, “It's a common name!”

 

“Sure, maybe in fake-ass excuse land,” Lup said.

 

“Oooooh, sick burn,” Ren said.

 

“Um, fuck you? Just for that I'm definitely not going?”

 

“C'mon, Taako,” Lup wheedled, “It'll be like old times! We haven't stolen shit – ” Ren raised an eyebrow at Lup's shoes, acquired from a gentleman at the Davy Lamp last night – “okay, haven't stolen anything _big_ , hustles don't even _count,_ Ren, that's basic shit – in like, five years, that's _awful_ , we'll lose our touch!”

 

Taako wavered.

 

“I'll make you breaaaakfast,” Lup said. “Even before your nine o'clock. One week.”

 

Taako's eyes narrowed. “Fine, but I get to pick dinner too. And you have to make me crepes and eggs benny tomorrow.”

 

Lup thought about it. Taako would definitely make her make his fucking thirty-clove garlic chicken, but she could live with bad breath for like, one night. “Fine. Let's do this thing.”

 

\---

 

Merle groaned. “Fuuuck. Just remembered that me n Dav's anniversary is next week.”

 

Jenkins rolled his eyes. “You're not even dating.”

 

“Eh. Still gotta get 'im something. Any ideas?”

 

“Yeah, get him the fucking Light of Creation. Merle, I _hate you_ , I don't know why you think I'd suggest gifts – no, no, that's a lie, it's because you're a prick. Mystery solved. _Go away._ ”

 

“Yeah, yeah, take a hike, shitty wizard!” Merle yelled. Jenkins flipped him the bird over his shoulder.

 

\---

 

“L-looking forward to dinner Friday, Merle?”

 

“Yeah, Dav, y'know, I think I am. How's Intro to Illusions going?”

 

“Eh. There's a few good kids, few students lagging behind – the usual, y'know. Intro class.” Merle could hear the smile in his voice, though. Made him smile too, sap that he was. Dav mostly did upper level courses, but every so often he liked to dip his toes in to the intro classes. Kept him sharp.

 

“B-by the way, did you hear about the Light of Creation? I, I actually saw it fall on Tuesday! Before they died, Roman Miller theorized that, that it could actually be used for space travel, e-even faster than light space travel!”

 

“Sounds real sci-fi,” Merle said, a plan slowly percolating.

 

“Yeah, b-but, prior to Roman Miller, w-we didn't even have elevators! And look where we are now! Cellphones would _be_ sci-fi, to any person in their prime a hundred years ago! And we _have_ traveled into space. It's just a matter of, of extending the trip.”

 

“Heh. If there's anyone who could manage space travel, Dav, I'd put good money on you.”

 

Dav sputtered. “Th-th-th-thanks, Merle.” It was quiet for a second.

 

“Hey, where did we say we were going? I forgot.”

 

“That nice Greek place. Antonia's?”

 

“Thanks. Y'know, Dav, I'm not usually so good at gifts, but this year, I think I've got something real _Creative_.”

 

“Merle, given your record, that's not as comforting as you think it is. A-actually, that's, that really worrying, uh, tell me you're not, not breaking any laws at least?”

 

Merle said, “No, definitely not breaking any _laws_ , who d'you think I am, Dav? Wink.”

 

“Merle, that's not – _Merle you can't commit a felony for our anniversary gift_ , no don't hang – !”

 

Merle hung up, grinning. Davenport was gonna _love it._

 

 


	2. HEIST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heist heist heist _heist heist heist hEIST HEIST HEIST_
> 
> Barry Bluejeans scopes out the scene. Lucretia is late. Magnus has a Bad Time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thank y'all so much for the incredible response to the first chapter! Got me all kindsa motivated; I ended up writing a lot of the third/fourth(?) chapter right after, but I circled back to this one after that ^_^ 
> 
> Also, are any of y'all interested in beta'ing/listening to me talk about this story more? I do okay with grammar and phrasing, though I wouldn't mind a second eye for that, either, but I think it would help my process a lot if I could talk about plot points and figure out how I'm going to make certain parts of this work while I'm writing. 
> 
> Basically that would look like me going, “Oh hey, what if x? But I can't figure out how that would work with y.” If you like talking about motivations and breaking down why people are who they are and how that effects their choices, and get excited about dumb easter eggs and dramatic irony, you should comment and we'll figure something out!!!
> 
> K thnx for reading this advertisement to be my ~~friend~~ beta, enjoy the chapter! 
> 
> tw: mentions of sensory processing issues causing a meltdown (paragraph beginning with '“ _Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit,_ ,” someone screeches'. As soon as other characters notice the meltdown, they try and give the character space/help as best they can. Fallout pretty much till end of chapter.)

_12:15 PM, Student Atrium, Hallwinter Arcana Center, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

Barry J Bluejeans stepped through the doorway into the student atrium. He hadn't been here since undergrad, which was, gods, a _really_ long time ago, and suddenly he had an unpleasant flashback to the scene in every police procedural where they lead the criminal out, in cuffs, and the family looks at them and asks, “Why? Why would you do this?” and the criminal spits at the ground in defiant rage, or weeps in remorse, or something, and _what is he doing here_ , he was frozen, his hands were almost dripping sweat, he definitely looked completely out of place, a 45 year old post-grad creeping on the incoming students and – is that a _kid_? What the fuck?

 

He focused on that, stubbornly ignoring the many, many hours of shitty soaps replaying in his head. The kid had an honest-to-god tweed suit and bowtie, and he was accompanied by a kind-looking older woman wearing a knit sweater.

 

“Ma'am, thank you for helping me find the Hallwinter Arcana Center! But I'll take it from here,” the kid said. He looked adorable. He couldn't be older than, what, 15? Barry couldn't remember how human children age, which was kind of pathetic. He needed to get out more.

 

“Alright, Angus. Just remember, you can always drop me a line if things don't go to plan.”

 

“Thanks, ma'am!”

 

Then the woman brushed past Barry, leaving this tiny child alone in the student atrium, which was full of college students. _What the actual fuck_.

 

Barry's eyes darted around the room. No one was saying anything, and he couldn't draw more attention to himself. He walked into the Atrium and got his notebook out, and out of the corner of his eye he watched – Angus? The woman called the kid Angus, Barry thinks – walk around the room, chewing on a pen and saying, “Hmmm,” contemplatively. He stared out the window of the door behind the vending machine.

 

“Hey, kid, watcha doing?” Some dragonborn woman said. “Casing a joint?”

 

“W-what? No!” Angus said. “N-no, I was just, I'm a prospective student?”

 

“You?” The woman said. “You're, like, eight.”

 

“I'm ten, thank you very much! And I'm _very_ smart.”

 

“Uh-huh, sure,” the dragonborn said. “If you need help finding anything, you can talk to me, okay, kid? Where're your guardians?”

 

“Okay, ma'am,” Angus said. “My Great Aunt Zelde lives in a castle on a cliff above the sea in Larleigh-upon-wight, but since I unmasked the banshee as a bored high schooler I think she might move soon. There's some reasonably-priced old houses across from creepy cemeteries in the area. Do you know how late the atrium is open?”

 

“...what?” the dragonborn woman said, blankly, which pretty much matched up with Barry's feelings on the matter. He was definitely staring at this point, but he couldn't make himself stop.

 

“The atrium. Do you know how late it's open?”

 

“Uh, for... ever, I think? They don't really close it, it's like, the one space with computers on campus that's accessible whenever. But like, they lock the rest of the doors, so you can't get into the labs or anything.”

 

“And are there are any campus police or other security measures late at night?”

 

The woman's brow ridges furrowed. “That's kind of a weird question. Why do you want to know?”

 

“I'm a prospective student! It's important to get to know schools thoroughly in order to make an informed choice!”

 

“Uh-huh, sure. Y'know what kid, you're in luck, I've taken a few levels in rogue and I'm feeling generous today. There's a few campus police, they sweep the building around one in the morning, just make sure nothing's outta place. Normally that's it but with the recent news I think they might be posting a few guards. Haven't checked.”

 

“Thank you for your time, ma'am!” Angus doffed his cap, there was no other description for it, and then scampered through the double doors into the Arcana Center.

 

“It's rude to stare, you know,” the woman said, from right behind him.

 

Barry flushed beet red. “S-sorry,” he muttered, and hurriedly stuffed his notebook back into his ratty backpack. He felt like he'd figured out all he was gonna figure out, anyway.

 

He was all the way home before he realized he was missing his wallet. In its place, his wrist was sporting an intricate red, blue, and silver friendship bracelet.

 

“Weird things for a rogue to do, but okay,” Barry said, and flopped onto his tangled nest of sheets in despair. “Thanks for the sign that I should abandon this fuckin' plan, universe. Or, I guess, the preemptive retribution for thievery? Is that how this works?”

 

He wallowed for about thirty seconds. But honestly, who the fuck would he be if he let little things like “stolen wallets” or “the laws of this land” or “signs from the Universe and possibly the Gods” stop him?

 

Barry J Bluejeans got out his notebook and started making a map.

 

\---

 

_11:11 PM, Church of Garl, 333 Raithnait Drive, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

Who the _fuck_ decided that service should happen on Thursday evenings, Davenport asked himself, hurrying out of the building, and _why_ do they always go so late? He never felt close to his god, but usually he enjoyed the chance to see his family, relax after his morning class, laugh and sing.

 

But usually his partner hadn't _basically told him_ he was about to commit a crime, and then hung up, and then Davenport had to teach class worried and go through service twitching his tail and forcibly _not_ tapping the bench because then someone would invite him up and –

 

Davenport called Merle. No response, of course. Merle didn't respond on the drive over either. He sighed, and left a message.

 

“Merle, don't commit any c-crimes, okay? I'm going to find you. J-just wait till I show up and if a crime really needs to get committed we can do it together _._ ”

 

Davenport doesn't hold out much hope that Merle will listen, but it's worth a shot.

 

He pulled up the phone tracking app, and – yeah, it was a little hard to tell, but he's pretty sure that Merle hadn't left his phone in his office again. In fact, it looked like it was... moving towards the Hallwinter Arcana Center...

 

Davenport wanted to be surprised. He really did.

 

The drive back should take an hour fifteen. He figured he could make it in forty.

 

 

_11:35 PM, Courtyard, Hallwinter Arcana Center, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

“You ready for this?”

 

“Hell _yeah_ bab-ee,” Taako replied, grinning. “Thirty clove garlic chicken three nights in a row here we _come._ ”

 

Lup rolled her eyes. “You wouldn't. You get tired of shit way quicker than me. Let's go, Koko, we're burning moonlight!”

 

With that, they sauntered into the atrium. At this late hour, the only students are one dead-eyed, overworked post-grad staring at a computer and a freshie with a basket of yarn, who barely looked up as Lup and Taako strolled towards the faculty offices.

 

Taako tried the door, just for kicks, he and Lup both prepared Knock, but – as it turned out, it was open. Taako stared at it for a second, then raised a brow at Lup.

 

Lup pursed her lips, then shrugged, sending a Message, “ _Yeah it's hella suspicious but I mean, what are we gonna do? We're here. Let's go through before someone notices.”_

 

They go through. The first guard got through the first syllable of “H-” before Taako cast Silence and Lup seamlessly teleported them to a locked classroom. There were three guards, all just as easily dispatched, though they're both running low on spell slots.

 

Lup tried “ _John Hunger, Vice President_ ”'s door. It's unlocked. “It's deffo a trap,” Taako whispered. Lup Messages back, _“I know babe but we got this far_ ,” and opened the door.

 

 

_11:43 PM, Student Atrium, Hallwinter Arcana Center, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck _fuck_ , Lucretia was running late, and that's _not acceptable,_ she had a _plan_.

 

As the interview with fucking _Lucas_ stretched on, and on, and _on_ , she seriously considered just dropping the whole thing, but honestly, fuck that. Lucretia spent three weeks stressing about this stupid plan and this is just a setback, she'll just have to write faster, maybe go one handed and make a copy later, but she can _make this work,_ it's going to be fine. And she was here, anyway. There was no turning back now.

 

Lucretia took a deep breath and smoothed back her white curls, then walked purposefully towards the door. More or less abandoned, just as planned.

 

A bad feeling curled in her gut as the door behind the vending machine yielded easy. “It's _fine_ , Lucretia,” she muttered. “There's no way someone else came to steal the Light on the exact same night. That's just absurd.”

 

There were no guards. Lucretia pushed down her panic with a firm hand. She'd come this far, a-and, things were actually _easier_ than she planned, which had to be a good sign, right?

 

She opened the door and –

 

_11:47 PM, Student Atrium, Hallwinter Arcana Center, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

Barry had maybe, possibly, gotten a little too invested in his guise of 'pretending to be just a student doing some research until everyone else left so he could break into the faculty offices without tripping any alarms'. It was – shit, it was _11:47_ , what the _fuck_? Okay, the atrium was probably about as abandoned as it was gonna get; he headed towards the faculty offices as quietly as he could.

 

The door was – fuck, the door was _open_ – are there _voices_ coming from in there? _Abort abort abort –_

 

An alarm went off.

 

_11:48 PM, John Hunger's Office, Hallwinter Arcana Center, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

Merle realized, halfway through falling out a window, that he _really_ shoulda waited for Dav.

 

_11:48 PM, Student Atrium, Hallwinter Arcana Center, Neverwinter, October 29 th, 7769 AH_

 

“ _Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit_ ,” someone screeched, and a fire alarm is going off, and this was all _Not Great_ for Magnus's sensory processing, which was quite peacefully occupied with his knitting until five seconds ago, and then there was like, an entire hoard of people running out from nowhere, and somehow Magnus was rushing with them and someone yelled “I think my partner's out there with a van!” and someone else is yelling “Go go go go go go!” and he didn't have his yarn and _what the fuck was going on_ , there were sirens and the van was peeling out of the parking lot and Magnus maybe kind of had a meltdown.

 

Words were gone and air came in gasps and he flailed uncontrollably and he was distantly aware of voices suddenly cutting off, and there was still sirens but farther away and it was an eternity before it shook out of him, and he drooped where he was half-sprawled on the seat, utterly exhausted.

 

Someone handed him something soft, and Magnus took it blindly, stroked it, rubbed it against his face.

 

“Are you okay, young man?” the gnome driving the van said, his voice gentle. He was still going very fast, which made for a weird contrast.

 

After a meltdown, no, but – better than he was. Magnus nodded shakily, and someone translated, “He says yeah.”

 

The gnome said, “Good. Now, would someone like to tell me what the _fuck_ is going on?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end like that. I promise, Magnus is gonna be okay, and this is not something that's gonna happen often! This was the one scene and unfortunately it really felt like this was how it ended. If I have fucked up the description of sensory overload and meltdowns, please tell me and I'll fix it!
> 
> also i'm just making shit up with the spells and what they can do; if you have, like, concrete opinions and want to talk to me about that, feel free and I will incorporate your knowledge in the future, but i've never actually played dnd and I am Unwilling To Research Spells


	3. TRANSITION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew flee from the police and don't even get to introductions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks so much for your response to the past chapter! This one took a little longer; it's been a weird week. Thanks for waiting!
> 
> Next part may be up relatively quick, because I still haven't gotten to some stuff I already have written, but who knows, maybe the section between what i have written and that will just keep expanding endlessly 
> 
> Also, beta'd by the lovely noiwontentermyname! thanks! And thanks to everyone else who offered to talk, too, i still might do that!

_The gnome said, “Good. Now, would someone like to tell me what the **fuck** is going on?”_

 

_..._

 

“Yeah, I'd like to know that, too. What, was it party in Mr. Hunger's Office time?” Lup said. “Was the Big Man himself not invited? Cause that's just rude.”

 

The human guy in bluejeans who was crammed in with them in the back seat kept staring at Lup, which: creepy. Taako was not a fan. He said, “W-well, I, I guess it doesn't matter now, since it kind of seems like we were all in the same situation? I was – I was trying to steal the Light of Creation.”

 

What the actual fuck. “ _You too_?” Taako said, and immediately regretted it.

 

“Oh my fuck. I cannot, I actually cannot believe – ”

 

Taako turned to stare at the shy-looking black human. She looked so prim and proper; weird to hear that kinda shit outta someone like her. She blushed, and said, “I-I mean, I, it's just – just kind of a weird coincidence? Uh,”

 

“So.” The gnome guy's voice cut through the building argument. “What I'm gathering is, through some contrived plot device, six godsdamned people decided to steal the Light of Creation on the same night.”

 

“I didn't,” said the kid who'd had the panic attack or whatever, still not looking _great_ , “I was going to knitting club, just kinda... came with, but uh, yeah, I guess that's not … not really the point.”

 

“And technically we went in on this together, sooo,” Lup said. “Does that really count as two separate decisions?”

 

“Four, then. You realize that isn't actually less contrived?” He sighed. “Alright. Who has the Light now? I'm sure if we explain that it was just a, a childish p-prank, the police will probably l-let us go.”

 

“Now hold on just a second Dav, what about – ”

 

“No, Merle, we are _n-not_ keeping this thing!”

 

“Welllll, I don't know – ” Lup warbled, shit-eating grin on her face, and the gnome said “No!” and the human lady started saying “Listen, we have to – ” and _gods_ would they all just –

 

“EVERYONE SHUT UP!” roared the human kid. “Fuck,” he whimpered, clutching his head. “Could y'all just... not? Please?”

 

Taako looked away. At least one of these fuckers had an idea of appropriate noise levels.

 

“O-okay. The kid's right, we need to go about this c-calmly. Who has the Light?”

 

While Taako was still considering revealing it, nice and dramatic, working through a cost-benefit analysis, Ms Human said, “Hold on, just a moment – ”

 

Okay, never mind, Taako _had_ to see this shit. She was patting down her pockets, getting more and more frantic.

 

She stuttered, “I- I _thought_ I grabbed it, but then everything happened so fast and,”

 

They probably did have to turn in the Light sometime, huh. Taako was not giving up his 4.0 for this bullshit, funny as it was. “I got it, motek,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It's in my bag of holding, gimme a sec...”

 

He rummaged around in his Bag of Holding. And then... kept rummaging. He could feel the human's judge-y eyes on him but, whatever, none of 'em fucking mattered, Taako started pulling shit outta the bag and dumping it on the lap of the guy sitting next to Lup. Some spices. A few crumpled fast food bags. One of Lup's wrinkled tops. It should be on top because it was the last thing he put in, but -- _no_ _thing._

 

“What the fuck,” he said, in up to his elbows, “Where _is_ it?” 

 

Lup said, “Taako I swear to Pan if you are bullshitting me right now, I am going to burn your favorite skirt, and you are not going to enjoy that, so – so if you've got the fucking Light you gotta fucking tell me, okay? It's been a looong fucking night and I do _not_ have the patience right now, babe.”

 

“Lup, I'm serious – you look, okay?” Taako handed her the bag of holding, too keyed up – he _liked_ performing, yeah, but not like this; his hair was a mess and fuck if he wasn't wearing yesterday's eyeliner.

 

Still, after about thirty seconds of tense silence, Taako was really fuckin' regretting handing the bag over, kept twisting up the hem of his shirt, still keyed up and _bored_ which was _worse_.

 

“Can I look?” asked the human guy in the front seat.

 

“No.” Lup said.

 

“What about me?” said the old dwarf in the front seat – fuck, Taako hadn't paid attention before, but that was his Intro Bio prof, wasn't it? What the _shit_?

 

Lup just rolled her eyes. She'd pulled out some jewelry, a little mirror, a few spell components, and she looked about ready to stick her head into the stupid thing even though that was fuckin' dangerous when the bag started _vibrating_.

 

Taako _froze._

 

“No, ffffffffuck, this cannot actually be happening, no no no no it took us so fucking long to save up for that!” Lup wailed.

 

In a classic Lup move, she chucked the Bag of Holding at the roof of the van. It exploded when it hit the roof, showering cheap glitter makeup and feathers and herbs and lint and one very fancy human boy right onto Ms. Human's startled lap.

 

Was this what shellshock felt like? Was he having a fever dream?

 

“Hello, sirs and madams!” said the tiny baby child, brushing a golden thong that Taako had been looking for for _weeks_ off of his hat. “I'm Angus Mcdonald, world's greatest detective!”

 

“I heard you were looking for this?” And in one chubby hand, the kid held the Light of Creation triumphantly aloft.

 

 

 


	4. EXPOSITION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew gets to know each other, and Angus explains some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidaaaaays, take a chapter that almost like, doubled the word count holy shit, we're getting Into It
> 
> I literally pulled an all-nighter to get this out on Christmas so like. There maaay be mistakes or awkward phrasing? But it should be mostly okay I think. anyway! Thanks for everything I love you all so much for reading this!!! have a wonderful christmas/random day in december/yule(?)/other holidays(????)

Dead silence.

 

Lucretia was frozen.  _Child_ , blared her brain's fantasy alert system,  _child! CHILD!!!_

 

“Nope, that's it, I'm done. T to the double a ko is outzo, stop the car, driver dude, I'm gone.” One of the elves said.

 

“I'm not stopping the car,” Davenport said. “W-we're on the interstate. But as soon as we get to a r-rest stop y'all are going to explain to me h-how in the  _hell_ this happened.”

 

Davenport's Professor Voice knocked Lucretia out of her mental Blue Screen of Death, and she gently, but firmly, pushed Angus McDonald, boy detective, out of her lap.

 

She took a deep breath. “Okay, this is ridiculous,” she said, grabbing a notebook out of her bag, “I do want to know what the shit is going on but I can't keep calling y'all 'human man in the back seat', what are your names and pronouns?”

 

“Good idea,” the human man in the back seat said.

 

Davenport said, “I'm Davenport. He/him, or any gender neutral pronouns are fine.”

 

“Hightower – I mean, Highchurch. Merle. Merle Highchurch. I am He.”

 

“I'm Magnus Burnsides!” Magnus's smile looked a little shaky, but genuine enough, and Lucretia was glad. “He/him pronouns, thanks.”

 

“I'm Angus McDonald, boy detective! I like they/them pronouns, but I'm still trying them out! He/him is fine too!” said Angus McDonald, boy detective.

 

“Good for you, kid,” said Merle.

 

Lucretia turned expectantly towards the back seat, ready to finish writing her list.

 

The male elf (probably? Lucretia had been making several simplifying assumptions) raised an eyebrow. “Can't you spell, darling?” He drawled.

 

The other elf rolled her eyes. “He's Taako and I'm Lup, you know, from TV? He/him or sometimes zie/zir for him, she/her for me. What's your handle, babe?”

 

Lucretia flushed.

 

“L-lucretia,” she said, and oh  _gods_ why was she so gay, it's  _just a speech pattern, Lucretia_! She probably calls everyone that! “I use – I use she/her pronouns.”

 

“G-guess that leaves me, huh? I use, uh, he/him pronouns, and I'm Barry. Uh, Barry J Bluejeans.”

 

“ _Excuse_ me?” Lup shrieked.

 

“Shh!” Lucretia said, glancing at Magnus.

 

“Sorry!” Lup said, much quieter. “Seriously dude, I thought – I thought you'd fucking  _won a bet_ or something to get the teacher to introduce you like that! Is that your  _actual-facts for realsies_ name?!”

 

“Uh,” Barry looked somewhat shifty, “I-if we're talking about Intro Necro, w-why did you, uh, transmute everyone's ichor into gogurt last year? And, uh, also, I guess,  _how_? I've been trying to recreate your spell sequence for, like, months, but I can't figure it out.”

 

Taako snorted, and Lup whirled to face him. “Taako!” she whisper-shouted. “What the fuck I told you to be cool! I was  _sick_!”

 

“Wait, you – you switched places with each other? That explains  _so much_ ,” Barry said, staring off into middle distance.

 

Oh gods. What the hell had Lucretia gotten herself into?

 

“Rest stop!” said Merle, apropos of nothing.

 

“Thank  _g-gods_ ,” muttered Davenport, and pulled into the exit.

 

\---

 

“Okay,” said Davenport, once the van had rolled to a stop. “We are going to go into this Denny's, and y'all are going to tell me why the – the  _h-heck_ you decided to steal the Light of Creation, and then w-we're going to return it to the University and I'm gonna go to  _s-s-sleep_.  _Agreed_?”

 

“Sure,” said Taako. “We can get food though, right? Because I just realized, I haven't eaten since like, yesterday?”

 

“Taako,” Lup said, sounding a bit despairing, “Let's just go, okay?”

 

They went.

 

\---

 

“Uuuuugh,” said Taako, “shitty eggs, box pancakes, or fuckin' awful bacon. Wonderful.”

 

“You're the one who said you were hungry,” Lup said, rolling her eyes. “Ignore him, he's a snob.”

 

“Let's get food and then we can chat, yeah, Dav?” Merle said. “Easier to think when you're not hungry.”

 

Davenport didn't look happy, but he nodded.

 

Merle turned to Angus. “You want anything, kiddo?”

 

“Uh, it's kind of late, but okay, sir! Some pancakes would be wonderful!”

 

As half the group ordered, Lucretia brought out her notebooks, grateful she'd managed to hold onto both of them during the heist.

 

“What are you – woaaaah,” Magnus said, as she started writing down what had happened so far with both hands.

 

“What the  _ffff_ – wait are you  _recording_  our  _theft_?” Taako screeched, yanking one of the Lucretia's notebooks out of her grasp with mage hand.

 

Magnus winced, and Lup hissed, “ _Quiet_ , Taako!”

 

“Are you fucking  _kidding me_ , kemosabe?” Taako said, quieter.

 

“I-it seems prudent to keep a record!” Lucretia defended, trying to grab it back, “What if we need to know what happened!”

 

“Here, I'll tell you what happened: I let myself be duped into some shitty prank by my dingus of a sister and then I got fucking  _trapped_ with five other  _dumbasses_  and an  _actual baby_  and  _now we're on the run from the police_!”

 

“Okay, we still haven't gone over this, why  _were_ all y'all tryin' to steal the thing? I mean, it seems pretty cool but I'm not sure it's worth,” Magnus gestured vaguely.

 

“I think it's a good idea, sirs and madams!” Angus piped up. “It really is an incredible coincidence that we all showed up to steal the Light of Creation on the same night, and I think that it's a good idea to get to know each other better!”

 

“Just for that I'm not saying  _shit_ ,” Taako said immediately. Lup elbowed him.

 

“As the driver, and one of the only two people in this van who didn't recently try to commit a crime, that's not gonna fly,” Davenport said. “I want to know what kind of people y'all are.”

 

No one spoke.

 

“I  _can_ get Merle to cast Zone of Truth,” Davenport said, flatly. “We need to talk about this.”

 

“Y'know what, I think that's a good idea!” Merle said. “I cast Zone of Truth!”

 

“W-woah,” Barry said, as the spell washed over the table. “That is, that is some  _strong shit._  Do you work as an interrogator or something?”

 

“Answer the question, kiddos!” Merle said, ignoring Barry's question. He looked satisfied with himself.

 

Lup rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine. I'll go. What you have to know is, it totally, 100% was not my fault – ”

 

“ – Hol-ee shit, Lulu, that is  _so far from the truth_  – ” Taako said.

  
“ – Taako I can't lie,  _Zone of Truth_ , remember?  _As I was saying_ , not my fault, not even my idea, my friend – ”

 

“ – Oh is  _that_ what she is – ”

 

“ – my  _friend_ Ren was reading the school paper and she, uh, she got to talking about how – how totally sweet it would be if we stole it, and I was super against it – ”

 

“ –  _Uh-huh – ”_

 

“ – but she bet me fifteen bucks so uh. Here we are!”

 

Magnus blinked. “Huh. Somehow I was expecting more...”

 

“Hidden passageways leading to boarded up rooms with puzzling furniture or corrupt officials making long treks to precarious cliffside hideouts in order to cover up ancient conspiracies? Yeah, me too,” Angus said, when Magnus didn't complete his sentence.

 

Lucretia stared, and made a mental note: this child was weird as  _fuck_.

 

Angus didn't seem to notice everyone's stares. “But thank you for sharing, ma'am! Who's next?”

 

“I nominate Miss Notebook over here to talk next.” Lup said, picking at her fingernails.

 

Lucretia glanced at Lup and blushed.  _Fuck._ This was the nightmare scenario. She was actually going to die, right here, she was going to keel over onto the table in this Denny's  _right now_. Everyone was  _looking at her_ , fuck fuck  _fuck,_ Lucretia took a breath, forced herself to start speaking before she threw up, stared at a flower she'd doodled in the margin of her notebook.

 

“W-well, I'm doing a biography on, on Maureen Miller? She's – she's the current leader of Miller Industries, you know, the company which has been at the forefront of the frankly meteoric advances in magitek in the past 100 years? She, she's got a really fascinating life story, but a lot of it involved her grandparent, Roman Miller, w-who, who actually found the Light in their youth and held onto it for most of their life. I thought that, uh, maybe I could get some insight on her thought process if I could understand something that actually, actually played quite a big role in her early childhood? And – and I wasn't going to steal it, by the way, I – I just wanted to look, I was going to leave after an hour.”

 

“Wow,” Taako said. “That is astoundingly boring. Holy shit. Can I say, teacher's pet?”

 

Lucretia's breath hitched, and she shrunk into her turtleneck.

 

“...Well, I guess you did cast Silence on the alarm when we were running. That's – that's more than the rest of us can say, I guess.”

 

“Oh,” Lucretia said. “Uh, thanks.” She straightened her sweater, feeling pathetic. Gods, why was she such a crybaby?

 

The food came. A few moments after the tired-looking server retreated back to the kitchen, Barry said,

 

“Yeah, alright, sure. If, if it's story time, guess I can talk about what brings me here today.” Lup snorted, and he grinned. “So, um, my grandma always used t-to, to tell me these stories about the Light of Creation – I think that, uh, one of her ancestors maybe had it at one point? A-anyway, she – she always said that the Light could be used t-to, uh, wait, gimme a second – ” Barry stuck a hand in his pocket, and produced a crumpled, old-looking paper.

 

“Level towns, create the mountains

Raise the dead, bring kings to their knees

The Light comes from beyond our ken

The Light goes where we cannot see.”

 

“And I guess I just – uh, it was – I've just been trying to move ahead in my field for a long time and I w-was, I um, I guess curious? About whether the raising the dead thing was really true?”

 

“You're really into that necromancy shit, huh,” Lup said.

 

“I mean, that's what my second PhD is on,” Barry said, with a self-effacing shrug. Lucretia stared.  _Second_ PhD?

 

Davenport said “Merle?” before she could really process that.

 

“Welllll, Dav here kept on going on and on about it, our anniversary was comin' up, and I had to upstage my  _incredible_ gift last year, which, y'know, it's pretty difficult to do better than something that amazing, but – y'know, I just thought, Light of Creation, probably could – could hold a candle to my homemade Portuguese Man-o-War and fire coral necklace.”

 

“What the fuck,” Magnus said, “Wait, no, I have so many questions, did you actually use the  _tentacles –_ ”

 

“Trust me,” Davenport cut him off, grimacing, “you don't want to know. It's really q-quite the – yeah, you're. You're better off not getting into it.”

 

He continued, “So. Just to be p-perfectly, 100% clear, Taako and Lup tried to steal the Light of Creation because someone bet you fifteen dollars. Merle did it as an anniversary gift for me, which, honestly,” he pinched his nose, “could be worse. Lucretia, you're here because you have a godsdamned crush. Barry, you were chasing a fucking  _bedtime story._ Magnus was at a, a midnight knitting meeting and got pulled along.”

 

“And  _none of you managed to steal it because a ten year old kid got there first_. Am I  _correct_?”

 

There was a full fifteen seconds of shamed silence. Finally, Merle said, “Geez, no need to get  _mean_ about it. Yeah, Dav, you're stuck with a buncha dumbasses and one smart-aleck kid, think we established that pretty firmly a while ago, but oh well. We'll return the Light, say we're sorry, it'll all wash out.”

 

“Sirs and madams, you shouldn't feel  _too_ bad, because I  _am_ the world's greatest detective!”

 

“Actually,” Davenport said, “S-since we've already gone over the felony y'all recently tried to commit, could we m-maybe talk about the, the literal child who we kidnapped?”

 

“Oh, no, sir, this isn't technically a kidnapping,” said Angus McDonald, boy detective. “That requires asporting another person without that person's consent or lawful authority, with the intent to use the abduction in connection with some other nefarious objective!”

 

“That raises so many more questions but, uh, Davenport, yeah? Davenport has a point. If you, uh, if you consented, I guess, why? I mean, what are you trying to do, kid?” Barry said.

 

“I'm on a case!”

 

“A case,” Lucretia said. “You mean like. As a detective?”

 

“Yes. I  _am_  the world's greatest detective, ma'am!” Angus said, for the second time in as many minutes.

 

“O – kayyyy,” Lucretia said. She wrote down,  _who even IS this child,_ in her notebook.

 

“Okay, cool cool cool, we've got mini-Sherlock Holmes or whatever over here,  _fine,_ but uh, I think we've – we've skipped over an important question, how the fuuuu...rick did you manage to get into my bag of holding without anyone noticing? 'Cause I definitely grabbed the Light and you  _weren't_ there. And, by the way, that shit was like, five hundred bucks sooo you're gonna have to, y'know, maybe break into your piggy bank.” Taako said.

 

“Oh, it was easy! Just like in Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop and the Case of the Chimera's Collar!” Angus said. “And I'll put it on my expense list, sir! I'm very sorry.”

 

“Expense list?” Lucretia said, far past the hope of any sensible answer but somehow impelled to ask anyway.

 

“I think we need to start at the beginning, sirs and ma'ams! It all began on a dark and stormy night,” Angus said. “A client contracted my services to locate the Light of Creation, and the seven Grand Relics.”

 

Angus said, “And, sirs and madams, there's another reason I've brought you here today,” (“You didn't bring us here, but whatevs,” Lup mumbled,) “I-I'm afraid I need your help.”

 

Angus reached into his vest, and pulled out an old, weather paper. “I wasn't expecting interference, but I think it could work in my favor. You see, I'm being chased by John Hunger, and if I can't collect the Relics before he gets to them, I have reason to believe that the world will end.”

 

“What the f – ” said Magnus, “I mean,  _why_?”

 

“How much do you know about the Grand Relics?”

 

Lucretia tried to think. It sounded familiar, but –

 

“They're, uh, really damn powerful magical objects? I've heard, uh, I've heard some  _bad shit._ Like, the evocation glove thing got found a couple of years ago and burned down a whole town, so, uh, I'm not like – not, y'know, not  _so_  into the idea of tracking those down,” Barry said.

 

“Okay, yeah, that's kind of  _like_ the truth!” said Angus. “My research suggests that the Light has existed as long as the universe has existed, but the Relics appear to have been created more recently! They are incredibly powerful artifacts on their own, but the few times they've been united with the Light of Creation, they've caused city-leveling wars, because they allow the Light to be channeled! On its own, the Light of Creation is pre-tty volatile. But if you can channel its power through one of the Grand Relics, you can do, well, almost anything within that school of magic! There's one for each, except enchantment,” he explained.

 

Despite herself, Lucretia had started taking notes halfway through this speech.

 

“So what does that have to do with us?” Merle said.

 

“I'll get there, sir! Did you know that John Hunger's assets are tied up in the Fantasy Corporation?”

 

“What, you mean, the company that makes Fantasy Teflon? And Fantasy Nerf Guns? And Fantasy Poptarts?” Merle said.

 

“Mhm! Mr. Hunger is using his ties with Neverwinter University and the Fantasy Corporation to research ways of containing and combining the Grand Relics, and now that the Light of Creation has been found, he plans to keep that in stasis as well! It was imperative that he not be allowed to use it,” said Angus, “because, sirs and madams, the Light of Creation is the beating pulse of the universe! It has to be able to leave this plane to renew its ties with other places, or else all of creation will fade!”

 

“Huh,” said Davenport. “W-well, that's – that's certainly quite the tale, k-kid, but, do you have any proof or – or some reason we should help you? B-because I've done a bit of research, myself, and none of that sounds too familiar. And you still haven't really explained why he sh-shouldn't have the Relics?

 

“Oh, yeah!” Angus said. “Well, if holding the Light of Creation in stasis is a slow death, uniting all of the Grand Relics is a very, very quick one! In the hands of someone like Mr. Hunger, their combined force could easily destroy the world. So we gotta collect them first.”

 

“So, wait, lemme get this straight, see if I'm understanding you right – uniting all of the Grand Relics is, like, big explosion, everything dies, soooo we're going to – see if we can melt the world before Mr Hungee Boy can? Was that your plan?” Lup said, cocking an eyebrow at Angus.

 

“Of course not! Mr. Hunger has a machine, or, he will, soon, which is meant to stop everything. Just, a big ol' blank space in the fabric of interplanar space-time. A-and, in a machine like that, the Relics would bounce off each other, creating a feedback loop based on the amplified desires of whoever they were last touched by. And Mr. Hunger? His desires are apocalyptic.”

 

“Oof,” said Magnus.

 

“Okay, but again, do you have any proof?” Davenport said.

 

“Yeaaah, I'm with Driver Guy here, this is, this sounds super funky fresh and all but uuuuh, I've got a paper due Monday?” Taako said. “If y'all wanna go on a fun worldsaving road trip that's like, your bag, but uh, Taako's good out here, thanks.”

 

“I'ma have to go with Taako on this one, sorry gang,” Lup said. Lucretia was surprised to see that she seemed genuinely apologetic. “We did a lot of shit to get where we are. I can't throw that away.”

 

“L-listen, I can't show you what my client showed me, but – ”

 

“Who  _is_ this client, anyway?” Merle said, squinting suspiciously at Angus.

 

“That's confidential, sir, but – okay. Okay, here. I found this in his office before we escaped.”

 

Angus took a folded sheet of paper out of a inner pocket of their vest, and handed it to Davenport.

 

Davenport handed the letter to Lucretia. “W-what?” She said, startled.

 

“You've got a better reading voice.” he said.

 

 _Fuck_ , Lucretia thought, but she took the letter, scanned it. Her eyes widened, and she cleared her throat.

 

“Dear John,

 

We regret to inform you that the containment chamber will not be available until the 14th of October. Unfortunately, several defective employees failed to make their quotas.

 

Our management look forward to increased punctuality and productivity upon unification. We have fired those responsible for the delay.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Sildar Hallwinter

CEO

Fantasy Incorporated”

 

“That's, uh, that's suggestive, I guess,” said Barry. “But, kid, whether it's true or not, I can't, I can't just decide to go steal the Grand fuuu – um, frickin' Relics, I've got – things. Obligations. Stuff to. Do.” Barry did not look convinced by his own argument.

 

“Yeah, this shit ain't happening for cha'boi either,” said Taako, inspecting his nails.

 

Lup wavered, but then Taako looked at her, and she caved. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “I'm out.”

 

Davenport shook his head. “Let's put it to a vote. I'm not sure any of us have the ability to just drop our lives and dedicate it to a roadtrip like this, and I'm not comfortable letting a ten year old child go out into the world alone with something like the Light, especially with evidence that seems to s-seriously suggest that possession of the L-light could be really dangerous. I-I think that we need to return this to the police, and talk to them about keeping it a-away from John.”

 

“Yeah, I'd go for that.” said Taako.

 

“Fuck the police,” said Lup. “But, uh, as a basic plan... we could figure that part out along the way, I guess... yeah, it's fine. For.”

 

“Never woulda thought,” Merle shook his head, and Lucretia wondered at his lost-in-thought expression. “Anyway, 's a good plan.”

 

“For,” Lucretia said.

 

“I'm sorry, Angus, but I gotta go with the majority, here. I can't fail out during my first semester.” Magnus said.

 

“Yeah, I-I'm with everyone else. Sorry, bud.” said Barry.

 

“None of you will even consider...?” Angus looked anguished. “I, I can pay you! If that's the problem, if you can't abandon your jobs, I got a, a pretty darn good stipend for this job a-and I'm sure I could explain to my patron that I'm hiring you on as consultants,”

 

“Kid,” said Davenport, firm but kind, “I'm sorry, but we have to take you home.”

 

Angus's expression cleared.

 

“Oh,” they said, sounding empty, defeated. “Okay.”

 

They finished their meals, and got back in the car. Lucretia kept fidgeting with her short curls. The atmosphere was painfully awkward. She was suddenly very aware that she was sitting in a van with six strangers, and wasn't likely to get out of the situation anytime soon. 

 

"So, uh, what are your, your parents up to?" Barry said. He'd migrated to the front seat, now that things were less harried. Angus was still sitting next to Lucretia. 

 

Angus did not say a single word.

 

Lucretia stared out the dark window. She tried not to wonder if she was making the wrong choice, tried not to think of post-apocalyptic scenery and heroes refusing the call. 

 

 _It's gonna be okay,_ she thought, and couldn't, quite, make herself believe it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Davenport, stomping rhythmically: R E C E I P T S
> 
> This thing is growing a fucking. Bibliography. Here's that:  
> Angus's line about kidnapping is almost a direct quote from this webpage: https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/kidnapping  
> The concept of Angus as someone whose life just happens to be a kid's mystery novel series is inspired by the excellent fic An Umbrella Term by brushstrokesApocalyptic (https://archiveofourown.org/works/11613252/chapters/26109177).  
> I definitely saw “the Fantasy Corporation” as a thing in some fic somewhere but I didn't bookmark it, aaaah, sorry about that  
> Oh, and one I forgot to cite from an earlier chapter: a lot of my headcanons about Davenport generally, but particularly Davenport as a follower of Garl Glittergold, come from DragonWrites, specifically their Emissary series (https://archiveofourown.org/series/1153529). 
> 
> And finally, thanks once again to noiwontentermyname for betaing!
> 
> {is citing my headcanons necessary? Probably not, but my Science Student™ brain won't let me quiiit}
> 
> Also, y'all, please don't worry, this is a Funny Fic and everything's gonna be fine. I'm actually so excited about next chapter, get Hyped, I haven't written much yet but it's gonna be So Good


	5. ASSIGNMENTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet a few of the other characters interested in the Light, and in the IPRE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for sticking with me! I think multiple updates a week is probably unsustainable for me, but I plan to keep writing till this is done. I was doing a lot of visual art this week which is why this was delayed. Also, I was doing some planning? It's probably obvious that this fic is 90% impulse thus far but there's a lot I want to get to, and I want to make sure I, y'know, can. 
> 
> Other notes: I've changed a couple of names in past chapters as I reconsidered those characters' roles in the story. For example, in chapter one, the university is no longer headed by President Queen, for reasons that should be obvious soon. The other mildly important one is in chapter four, the CEO of the Fantasy Corporation is now Sildar Hallwinter. If you can spot the third, I'll make you art, because it's really tiny.

His studs were buzzing.

 

Kravitz groaned. They buzzed again, insistently.

 

 _Shit._ Kravitz rolled out of bed, half-awake, reaching blindly for his bedside table. Earrings, where were they –

 

“Kravitz?” said a hissing, croaking voice, sounding as though it was coming from across a cold, brittle field.

 

“Shit!” Kravitz said, frantically putting in the raven-feather earrings that allowed him to commune with his Goddess, scrubbing at his face, “I mean, uh, I'm awake. My Queen.”

 

“You just got to bed, didn't you. It's almost two am.”

 

Kravitz slumped against his headboard. “Yeah,” he admitted.

 

“Your sleep schedule is shit, my child.”

 

“Yes,” said Kravitz, “I know.”

 

“Sleep is important for mortals.”

 

“I know, my Queen,” said Kravitz, beginning to wish he'd just ignored the call.

 

She let up, finally. “I have a job for you, Kravitz.”

 

“What is your will?”

 

“Seven new death criminals on a scale before unseen desire to overturn the balance of Life and Death. They must be intercepted before they return to the University. They plan to perform a ̵̢͍̘̫̯̮̼̲̐̈́̏͑̀̑͘͟͜F̶̯̼͎̳͔̃̿̍̚͜ơ̞̜̣̖̟̤̫͓̠̓̆̓̍̇̄͠r̢̳͚͔͓͖͉̦̘̋̊͗̏̓͊̚ḇ̵̯͇͚͇̮͉͑͛̋̈̔͢͞ĭ̢̻͇̻͐̽̽͗̂̇̕͟d̴̨̡̧̙̻̮̖̻̹͒͂̈́̿̆͐̍̈́d̶͎̣̙̳̫̙̘̱̲͂̾͐̕ͅe̢͙̟̺̳̯͛͌̆̓̂̑͋͠n̸̝̜͉̠̘̖̣̎̇͋͋̄̈͠͠ ritual to capture the soul of their helpless sacrifice. I have sent the details to your Book.”

 

As the Raven Queen intoned her judgement, seven twisted shadows manifested in mid-air, surrounding the silhouette of a tiny human child.

 

Kravitz dealt with death criminals every day, but this tableau ignited a hot coal of anger in his chest. Necromancers who took advantage of innocent children deserved a special place in hell, and he happened to be able to ensure they received it.

 

“Your will be done, my Queen,” said Kravitz. He bowed, and manifested the raven feather dagger bound to his soul. He stared into the deepest shadows, and the weight of a thousand black-on-black eyes stared back as he sliced his palm. “I accept this bounty.”

 

“Good, my Reaper,” hissed the Raven Queen, and slid out of reality in jarring, rattling chunks. A swirl of pitch black raven feathers fluttered to the carpet, forming the message, _**GET MORE SLEEP**_

 

Kravitz took a deep breath, and went to brew some coffee. It was gonna be a long night.

 

***

 

 _Hurley:_ Sloooooooooooane

 

 _Sloane:_ Huuuurles

 

 _Hurley_ : Don't call me that

 

 _Sloane_ : lol ok Detective Beranek

 

 _Hurley_ : fuck u

 

 _Sloane_ : I wish ):

 

 _Hurley_ : Gods don't remind me

 

 _Sloane_ : u wanted to talk about something babe?

 

 _Hurley_ : Oh Yeah!

Uh

Could we call?

 

 _Sloane_ : always <3

 

“Hey,” said Hurley, a minute or two later.

 

“Hey, babe,” said Sloane. She sounded sleepy. Hurley fought back a smile.

 

“I really shouldn't be telling you this,” Hurley said, fidgeting with the case file.

 

“Work shit?”

 

“Yeah. It's like, kind of high profile?” Hurley said. “I'd probably get fired if this got out.”

 

Sloane said, “Sure, Hurles, but do you ever pay attention to that shit? Besides, it's just me. Oh no, can't have the car engines of Goldcliff knowing high profile Neverwinter police gossip! They'll _tattle_!”

 

Hurley snorted. “Okay, okay! What Captain Captain Bane doesn't know won't get me fired, I guess,” and this time Sloane snorted. Hurley grinned. Getting Sloane to laugh was one of her favorite things.

 

“So it's like, a stolen object case, kind of. This thing called the Light of Creation – ”

 

“What was that?”

 

Hurley blinked, not expecting the sharp interest in her girlfriend's voice. “The Light of Creation? I don't know much about it, honestly, but I guess it's super powerful or whatever. Did you know about it?”

 

Sloane sounded distracted. “No, I just – uh, it sounded familiar. I was reading a book on, uh, Ray Venn, the famous philosopher – ”

 

“Sure,” said Hurley, amused. Sloane never was good at lying. “And I drag race on weekends. What is it really, babe?”

 

There was a long pause. “Okay, you caught me,” Sloane said, “I've been babysitting on the side, one of my clients came in and she seemed really desperate, and I was reading the kid a bedtime story, and – ”

 

“Okay, fine, don't tell me,” Hurley said, laughing. “Anyway, I talked with Mr. Hunger, who I guess was in charge of it, this morning. He was,” she frowned, “pretty upset. I can't get his speech out of my head, actually. It's important that I find the Light and get it back. It could be really terrible for like, the world, if it stays in the wrong hands for long.”

 

“He sounds like an asshole,” Sloane said.

 

“You think every guy in a position of power is an asshole.”

 

“Because they are!”

 

“Okay yeah but this is my job, babe, I can't just refuse to work with assholes. Anyway, that wasn't really what was weird, I mean, I guess it's a little weird how intense he got but – the _point_ is, we've got camera on the thieves leaving the building, right? Six of them and a getaway driver. But I can't figure out how they all know each other, or what their joint motive could possibly be. There are a few links, but nothing suggesting they were planning something like this, and there's no evidence at all that Magnus Burnsides had even talked to the others before tonight, let alone been in on something this big!”

 

“Mm?” Sloane said.

 

“Like, okay,” Hurley rummaged around in her bag, grabbing the profiles. “We've got two professors. They're in some kind of relationship, so that makes sense, although neither of them really seem like hardened criminals. One of em's clean, and Dr. Davenport hasn't been arrested since, looks like, 7744? He has a couple of speeding tickets, but that's hardly a sign of a criminal mastermind.”

 

“It looks like he was one of the human's first year adviser, but that's, I mean, I think I talked to my first year adviser like _once_ during my entire college career, and this girl is nineteen, not even a speeding ticket on her record.”

 

“Then we've got a post-grad, PhD in necromancy but it seems like otherwise pretty innocuous.”

 

“That guy's TAed for a course that one of the two elven twins was in, but both of _them_ are scholarship students, spotless records since they started school, no indication that they'd be into something like this.”

 

“And, once again, Magnus Burnsides, who has no connection at all to _any_ of the others, from what I can see.”

 

“Huh,” said Sloane. “Sounds like an interesting case. But you know for sure they have it, right, so – ”

 

“Yeah, I mean, I guess.” Hurley frowned. “It's just – they definitely rushed out the door together, with the Light, after the guards had been dispatched by two elves matching their descriptions, so yeah. But something about this just feels weird.”

 

“Hmm,” said Sloane. “I have faith in your ability to catch them, babe. You'll figure it out.”

 

“What about faith in my ability to recover the Light?” Hurley said, smiling.

 

“That,” said Sloane, “remains to be seen. After all, you never know. Someone else could always get there first.”

 

 

***

 

“Heard you had a job for us, boss?”

 

John eyed the four thugs distastefully. “You're the investigators from the Hammerhead Agency.”

 

“That's us, sir! The Jerry brothers, Barbara Finn and Maarvey Jauss,” said the smallest one. His voice was extremely irritating. John allowed himself to be comforted by the knowledge that it would be gone soon.

 

John said, “Right. I have submitted your targets' profiles to your agency, and I expect you have familiarized yourself already. They have stolen the universe's best chance for peace, and it is imperative that it is returned to me as quickly as possible.”

 

“What about them? Dead, alive, any special requests?” said one of the men.

 

“Death and life are meaningless. What is important is the return of the Light. Have you ever contemplated the vastness of the universe?” he said, turning to look at four clueless faces.

 

“Right. Of course not. No one ever has.” John felt the usual blank hopelessness, and willed it away with the ease of long practice. “All of this, all that you see, every God, every religion – it's endless. Impossibly vast.” John began pacing, gesticulating. “Every person suffers the same under the petty slings and arrows of fate, _endlessly_. Have you ever felt loss? Pain? Fear? This is the nature of reality. This is what some deity of deities has subjected us to, without our input or consent.”

 

“I have developed a plan to end it all. I will be as a God, and then I will be more than the gods ever dared dream. I will be never, and in time that is not time, _your_ names will echo into nothingness.”

 

“But before any of that, I must endure the dark abyss until the Light can be located. Find it for me.”

 

“We'll take the case, boss,” said one of the men, demonstrating a gross misunderstanding of their role in their own organization.

 

“Yeah. We'll get you that Light.” This one was weeping, but John could see that none of them understood. No one _ever_ truly understood.

 

Still. It was enough. If Merle was any indication, the seven thieves were even less competent than these jokers. 

 

“You will. And then?”

 

John allowed himself a small, grim smile.

 

“Transcendence.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, betaed by the lovely noiwontentermyname. Thanks!


	6. BLACKMAIL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew is forced to reconsider their position in the face of new evidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy this chapter just did Not want to get written. Much thanks to noiwontentermyname for betaing because. Oy vey this friggin' chapter

After they left the Denny's, Magnus got bored real quick.

 

The silence was, like, a physical weight. A treadmill. An entire-ass barbell set. The whole fuckin' gym, dropped on his head. His chest?

 

Magnus fiddled with his sleeve. _Huh,_ he noticed, _when'd I get that?_ It was a friendship bracelet, red and silver and blue. Pretty. He took it off and fidgeted with that for a second.

 

Bored.

 

“So,” he said, “Any favorite movies? Artists? Sports teams?”

 

“Listen, big guy. I get that you want to like, bond, or whatever, but this night's already been long as shit and ch'boy's ready to get realll fucking drunk and forget any of this ever happened so uh, favorite movie: Fuck Off, starring hit artist None of Your Business, about award winning sports team Shut the Fuck Up.”

 

“Oh, c'mon, kid, that's a little harsh, isn't it? Let's get to know each other! I'll cast Zone of Truth, it'll be fun!”

 

“Merle, don't cast Zone of Truth again. The old one just faded out.” Davenport said. “L-let's just drive, okay? Does anyone have any songs they'd like to play?”

 

“You got bluetooth?” said Lup.

 

“Uh, n-no? The Starblaster is a steady girl but she's still, y'know, old as shit,” said Davenport.

 

“Wait wait wait, you named your car the _Starblaster_?” said Magnus, delighted.

 

“I-it's a good name!” Davenport said, his neck very red.

 

“Uh-huh, sure, Dav. Toldja we shoulda gone with the Laser Spinnaker.”

 

“I am not having this argument now, Merle. Lup, we've got an aux cord, if that works – ”

 

“No, please, continue! This is fascinating, really – ”

 

“Um, sirs, ma'ams? I have to pee,” said Angus.

 

Lucretia jumped.

 

“Aaah, sorry, sorry,” she said, “You were just being so quiet, I thought you were asleep.”

 

“Well, I wasn't asleep, ma'am. I have to pee, a-and, I really want a candy bar.”

 

“You just had pancakes,” said Barry, “and I thought you said weren't, uh, weren't hungry? Earlier?”

 

“I'm a growing kid!” Angus insisted, “I'm hungry now, sir. And I really, really, _really_ have to pee, I don't think I can hold it much longer – ”

 

“Okay, okay, we get it! Geez kid, you coulda told us sooner. We'll find you somethin',” said Merle.

 

About a minute later, they passed a Fantasy 7-11 sign (EXIT 322! the glowing yellow sign proclaimed) and pulled in.

 

“I'm not stopping again,” said Davenport. “So if anyone else needs to go,”

 

“Got it, go here,” said Lup. “We're not, like, babies. I think we can hold it, Davenport.”

 

“Uh-huh,” said Davenport. “I've been a professor for years now, so f-forgive me for double checking.”

 

Magnus grinned, and walked into the store. Angus had already dashed for the restroom, so Magnus grabbed a Fantasy Fanta and some jerky and a huge bag of Fantasy Lay's. At this point moderation could go fuck itself.

 

He was looking for his wallet when Angus left the restroom and pointed a device at Lucretia, chin crooked defiantly. He said, “This mission is too important for me to let you take the Light back to Mr. Hunger! I-if you don't come with me, I'll scream and scream a-and I'll tell the police you kidnapped me! And they like me, they wouldn't let me work as a detective if they didn't like me, s-so, just come quietly and I won't tell them all your incriminating secrets, Barry _J_ Bluejeans, Taako from TV! I've got stuff on all of you so just, just come with me, okay? And I won't have to send it to the Neverwinter Police.”

 

Magnus stood, grip tight. Fuck. He had no idea what kind of shit the kid had on him, but a kidnapping charge? He was supposed to be getting into _less_ trouble now, his ma would be so disappointed –

 

The automatic doors shattered and a wave of icy October air slammed into the room. There was a black-robed figure, with, shit, was that a _scythe?_

 

“Huh,” said the figure, with a terrible Cockney accent, “Somehow, I didn't expect the child to be doing the threatening. Regardless. You are all under arrest for Category 13 Death Crimes!”

 

***

 

“Wait wait wait, you mean _us_? Like, me and all them?” Magnus gestured vaguely at the store.

 

Barry wished he knew Silence. This was stupid, this was _so fucking stupid_ , who decided to stop and chat with the _actual Reaper apparently sent to arrest them_ –

 

“I feel like maybe you have us mistaken for somebody else,” Magnus continued.

 

“Oh, right right right! I'll just, head back out, of course – this is the first time that one of my bounties have told me something like that so, this one's on me, really, I'm so embarassed – ”

 

The Reaper swung his scythe mid-sentence. Sheer terror awakened muscles that had not moved at faster than a walk in about ten years, and Barry somehow managed to twist so that he was hit with the flat of the blade instead of being fucking Reaped. There was a crack of thunder that felt like it was splitting his head in half and somehow he was staring at the cracked ceiling.

 

“Ow,” Barry moaned, head spinning. He could barely hear his own voice and he was pretty sure he'd, like, broken his back. Pulled several muscles. Was he dead? Was this what death felt like?

 

“Eat this!”

 

A can of Fantasy Fanta exploded on the Reaper's scythe, _fuck_ now Barry was aching everywhere, half-deaf, _and_ wet, _and_ sticky, and half the can _of course_ landed on his face, he scrambled to his feet away from the Reaper and tried to think of any spells he could cast –

 

“Listen, crazy guy with a scythe, ol' Merle Hightower's all for death criminals gettin' punished, but couldja just chill out? There's a kid! You haven't even told us what we're accused of, for Pan's sake!”

 

“You know very well what you've done,” growled the reaper. “It's not up for discussion. I _will_ end you and return that child to a proper home.”

 

From his new vantage point As Far From the Reaper as possible, Barry saw Davenport muttering something.

 

“It looks like you guys got this – I'm just gonna escort the kid to the car, get him outta harm's way --” Taako was backing towards the emergency exit, one hand on Angus's shoulder, and the reaper turned towards him. Barry hit him with Eldritch Blast, feeling viciously satisfied when this also knocked over a display of chips onto his so far untouched suit.

 

Then Lup yelled “YEET!”. Barry felt a wash of heat, and several shelves caught on fire, and the reaper was _laughing_ , a low, choking, horrible sound.

 

“Is that the best you've got?” He said. “This will be easier than I thought!” He whistled sharply and the ground _shook_. Barry stumbled, ended up on the floor again, definitely bruised his tailbone. He was starting to get real fuckin' tired of this guy.

 

“I've just about had it with all you. You're all clearly low level, just give me the child and maybe I can plead your case with the Raven Queen,” the Reaper said, striding forward, eyes locked on Taako.

 

“Uh, tempting offer my dude but I'm gonna have to say,” Taako looked at Angus and tightened his grip, “Abraca _fuck you_!” and for the second time in as many minutes a deafening noise boomed through the small space as Taako cast Thunderwave.

 

Simultaneously, Merle bellowed “Shield of Faith!” and the Reaper started to swing his scythe, stepped forward, and slipped, mid-step. The entire section of the floor in front of him shimmered and changed, and the reaper was hanging upside down, trussed up. Davenport must have cast Snare, of all things.

 

Angus darted forward, protected by Merle's Shield, and pressed the metal device to the reaper's neck. He jerked, once, and then was still.

 

“It's a supercharged Sleep spell,” Angus explained. “He should be out for a while.”

 

Then he said, “Do you believe me _now_?”

 

“Listen, kid, we believed ya, it's just...”

 

“W-whatever! Let's go before the fucking _Reaper_ wakes up!” Barry said, climbing painfully to his feet.

 

“Sure, but do I pay for this or – ”

 

“Let's _go_!”

 

***

 

“So. That happened,” Magnus said.

 

“Y-yeah,” said Davenport. “We sh-should – it's really late. We should get to a motel. I don't think I can keep driving much longer.”

 

“Are you going to come with me?” Angus said.

 

Listen. Lup didn't want to like the little shit. Everything had gone crazy 2.5 seconds later but she was _pretty sure_ he had threatened to blackmail her brother, which was not fuckin' kosh. But he sounded so fuckin' _vulnerable_ that for a moment she really just wanted to give him a hug.

 

“Do you really have dirt on all of us?” said Lucretia.

 

“I'm sorry to do this, ma'am, but if you won't come with me willingly, I do have dirt on all of you, yes. I could recommend your dads read Wings of Rapture by Magdalene Aulticer, Lucretia. A-and, I've already mentioned your secrets, Barry and Taako and Lup. Magnus, I don't think your mom would want to know you've been learning how to pick locks with Carey Fangbattle instead of studying for your Chemistry class. Davenport and Merle, you both have old arrest records that c-could get you fired from NU.”

 

“When did you find all this out?” Lup said, fascinated. She was also trying to remember what the fuck the kid had said about Barry. The dude looked like such a nerd, what kind of history could a guy like that _possibly_ have? Maybe it was the necromancy?

 

“I did some research on my phone before we got to the gas station,” Angus said.

 

“Wow,” said Lucretia, quietly.

 

Lup had to agree. They'd buried their real names but good. That was impressive.

 

“If the world's really in danger, I guess... I guess we gotta,” said Magnus.

 

“If all you kids are up for it, sure, I'm up for it. It's been a while since I traveled and, y'know, it gets boring,” said Merle.

 

“You realize we'll probably get fired anyway, for the absences if not the – the theft charge, Merle?” said Davenport. “I, I don't want to, to be a naysayer, but I still think that we should really go to the police with this! Or the news, o-or something.”

 

Lup took a deep breath. “Well, Ango Mcdango here has got Taako and I solidly over a barrel, and, hate to say it, Captain Man, but if the kid's telling the truth, we _can't_ go to the police. I don't know about y'all, but I definitely didn't commit any death crimes, and category 13 isn't, like, the kind of shit that's easy to mistake. If whoever we're up against can convince Bird Mama herself that we're up to that kinda shit, the police are _nothing_.”

 

Davenport exhaled. “Yeah, okay.” he said. “I guess we... yeah.”

 

“Lucretia? Barry?” said Magnus.

 

“I don't want to do this, but Lup's right.” said Barry. “I guess I don't have a choice.”

 

“I-if everyone else is going,” Lucretia was _still writing_ , somehow, Lup vaguely remembered that she had been writing _as the fight went down_ , “I-I suppose I'll go too. It could be a good story,” she said, as if trying to convince herself.

 

“You will?”

 

Okay, that shit was too adorable, even from the seat behind him Lup could tell that Angus was smiling like the fuckin' sun. Wasn't worth not fuckin' graduating, but – whatever. She wasn't gonna think about that. Later.

 

“Great! Um, we can discuss payment and a plan of action tomorrow but, for now I think we should sleep?”

 

“Hold up a sec, payment?” said Taako.

 

“Uh, yeah,” said Angus. “Like I said before, sir, I think I could get my sponsor to pay you. She seemed open to contractors, when I talked to her last.”

 

“What kind of payment are we talkin' about here? Like, 500 gp or...?” Taako said.

 

“Umm,” Angus frowned. “How about 300 gp a week for each of you?”

 

“Holy shit.” said Magnus. “Are you serious? I mean, that's a – that's a lot.”

 

“Well, I mean, we're saving the world. It's the least I can do.”

 

“Is it really? How about, say, five hundred gp a week?” said Taako.

  
  
Angus looked stern. “There _are_ limits, sir!” he said, in a put-upon faux Cockney accent.

 

The car burst into laughter, and Lup felt warm. These guys might be idiots, and she couldn't believe she now had to put 'blackmailed by a fucking baby' on her list of life experiences, but this felt like the right decision. Graduation or no graduation.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue was taken from the show directly. Obvs “abraca-fuck you” and also a bit of Magnus and Kravitz's interaction at the beginning of that scene. 
> 
> Also, thanks to SandrC for giving me lists of spells for the main seven! It was helpful for this fight scene and probably in any future fight scenes, too! I'm going to be pretty loose with how spells and battles work, but it was nice to have a framework like that. 
> 
> Finally, would any of y'all be interested in making a playlist of this for, like, $15? I really want music for this fic but I am. So terrible. At making playlists. I can't remember song names ever, or artists, or... anything. Anyway, if you're interested, hmu on tumblr at https://windywords123.tumblr.com/ or twitter at https://twitter.com/WWords123


	7. COSTCO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang plan out their next steps and go to Fantasy Costco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the transition between the prelude and Arc 1, aka: finally some fucking bonding, enough of that plot shit 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for waiting! This chapter took a while because I got very distracted/couldn't figure out how to make parts of it work together (there are a lot of POVs, yo). And now I'm back in my senior year of college so we'll see how much free time I have. But whatever the wait, I _will_ finish this nonsense, there's so much exciting stuff that we still need to get to! 
> 
> Oh and another retcon: I changed the day the heist takes place on, it's now a couple weeks later in October, don't worry about it too much

Taako woke up a second before Lup licked his cheek.

 

“Luuuuup,” he complained, but she slapped a hand over his mouth before he could say shit.

 

“Shhhh! Don't wake up the humans,” she whispered.

 

Taako flopped back into the pillows. He always forgot that non-elves slept for fuckin' ever. Even not trancing (and like hell were they gonna let their guards down that much around these chucklefucks), Taako and Lup were good with like, six hours tops. Three hours was pushing it but they'd deal.

 

Lup flopped next to him.

 

“Okay, let's get outta here,” Lup whispered, five seconds later. “I wanna talk.”

 

“Make me,” said Taako.

 

Lup grinned, and Taako scrambled out of the bed. “Okay okay okay _fine,_ jeezy creezy Lup you don't need to _threaten_ me!” he whisper-yelled.

 

Taako gathered their shit. Lup didn't help, which was weird, just sat on the bed staring at him, but Taako could deal. Whatever. Who cared that Lup apparently didn't give a fuck if they left all their belongings in this shitty motel room to get stolen? Taako was a pro at this. He could do it alone.

 

As they tiptoed past the kid and the narc, said child turned over and mumbled something.

 

Lup and Taako both froze, and Lup stared at the bed, watching for further motion.   
  


“Fuck,” Lup whispered.

 

“What?” Taako whispered back.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Luluuuu,”

 

“Why the fuck are we having this convo hovering creepily over the kid's bed, let's _go_ ,” said Lup, pushing at Taako's shoulder.

 

“Spill it, Lulu,” Taako said, pushing her back. She had a weird look on her face.

 

Lup said “No!” and they both froze again as the kid shifted.

 

They left the room quiet and quick after that, but once they got outside, Taako rounded on her again. “Are you seriously not gonna tell me?”

 

“Okay, fine. He's just like, really tiny. Like, he's a detective or whatever, but he's also just a kid. Are we gonna have to babysit or – ”

 

“Don't talk like that,” Taako said. “Lup, you know this is temporary, right? We collect the fuckin', infinity stones or whatever, we get our paycheck, and then we get the fuck back to school.”

 

“Yeah, I know, babe,” Lup said. “Wait, I think – ”

 

The door swung open, and Angus said, “Taako, Lup, are you leaving?,” looking fucking woebegone at the idea.

 

“We were just chatting, pumpkin, go back to sleep,” Taako said. Little fucker must have been listening for a minute, for them not to hear him getting out of bed.

 

“Why do you have your stuff packed then, sir?” Angus yawned. It was adorable. _Shit._

 

“Habit, radish,” Lup said, grinning at Taako.

 

Taako scowled at her.

 

“Okay, ma'am, if you're sure,” Angus said. “I'm going back to bed.”

 

He whispered, “Please don't leave,” and shut the door.

 

 _Fuuuuck_. Taako did not look at Lup. “He wasn't cute and we're not getting attached,” Taako said. “This is _temporary_.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” she said. “Pumpkin.”

 

“Shut the fuck up!”

 

***

 

Merle was halfway through a cup of steaming herbal tea when Magnus yelled, “Fuck!”

 

“Geez, kid, what's up?” Merle said.

 

There weren't too many other people in this shitty motel dining room at eight in the morning, but a shout like that still got 'em a few dirty looks. Sides which, pre-coffee Dav and the kid both flinched at the sudden noise.

 

“Don't have my meds,” Magnus said, quieter.

 

“Shiiiiit, didn't even think about that,” said Merle.

 

“I did,” said Davenport, chugging his first cup of coffee. “Magnus, a-and anyone else who takes meds, c-call your doctors. Tell them you had an unexpected family emergency, and you need m-meds transferred ASAP. What pharmacy?”

 

“Fantasy Costco,” Magnus said.

 

Barry nodded. “Me too.”

 

“Not an issue, Lucretia said.

 

Angus piped up, “Me neither!”

 

“G-great, then. Merle and I should be able to transfer our prescriptions after breakfast. Hopefully, th-that'll work for the twins, too.”

 

Merle smiled, maybe a bit dopily. Pan, he was lucky to have a guy like Dav in his life.

 

“So, uh, what's next?” Barry asked. “I mean, do we have a list of these artifacts, or what? Are we just flying blind?”

 

“Well,” Angus looked nervous, and Merle couldn't help but think of Mavis, back when when Hecuba'd caught her in a lie. Shit, it'd been a long time since she was that little. He was getting old.

 

“It's actually really good that you asked, sir! A man named, umm,” he looked at his pocket notebook, “Brian Charbonneau Ragnoneri has the Oculus, the Illusion Relic, and his estate is not too far from here. But there's a glitch. There's this old Llothian holiday, Halloween, and Brian is putting on a soiree – ” Angus pronounced this word 'sorry' – “to, um, celebrate. Security should be more lax, and my research indicates he may even bring out the Oculus, which would help a lot!”

 

“So what's the problem, bud?” said Barry.

 

Angus winced. “Halloween takes place, uh, tomorrow,” he said, “...and it's a costume party. It's supposed to be, um, spooky?”

 

There was a short, befuddled silence. Kid must be the nervous type; hell, Merle was excited! Fancy party, costumes, this was like Midsummer in October!

 

“Lucky we're already going to Fantasy Costco, huh?” Angus said, stimming on his hat.

 

“Well, shit, kid, that's great!” said Lup.

 

“I-it is?”

 

“Hell yeah, haven't you ever dressed up for Midsummer? This'll be great. Taako and I will help you get dressed, won't we, babe?” she said, smiling sweetly.

 

“Uh-huh,” said Taako, staring daggers at her.

 

“Great. Let's get on the road, then.” Davenport said.

 

Merle gathered up his coffee cup. Back to the car.

 

***

 

“Aargh!” Lucretia looked up from recapping breakfast at Magnus, who lowered his cellphone, shoulders tense.

 

“Angus, could your sponsor spot me some cash? I already refilled my prescription this month and insurance won't approve my _fucking_ HRT. My doctor was cool about it but I can't _pay_ for it.”

 

Lup surfaced from staring at her phone.

 

“Oh hey, you too?” she said. “Trans buddies!”

 

“Eyyyy,” said Barry. “Three outta eight, wow.”

 

“Four, thanks,” said Davenport. “At least. M-maybe someone's not comfortable outing themselves or is still figuring it out. Has everyone else g-gotten their prescriptions transferred to Brandybuck's Fantasy Costco?”

 

“Lup and I should be good for a while. We _used_ to have a Bag of Holding,” Taako said, staring daggers at Angus, who winced. “Oh, and it's a zie/zir day today, by the way.” Zie sounded bored, but Lucretia made a note of it anyway.

 

“Sorry, sir,” said Angus. “I mean, ma'am – uh – mx?”

 

“Whatever.” said Taako. “It's not that big of a deal, kid, just call me Taako. 'Sire' is also good. 'Your highness' is acceptable.”

 

“Could we get clothes while we're there, besides the costumes?” Lucretia said. “Magnus is still wearing PJs.” Said pajamas were adorable, they were bright blue and they had little dinosaurs on them, but Lucretia wasn't here for that 'one change of clothing and no toiletries' life.

 

“Ooh, and snacks?” said Magnus. “Roadtrips make me hungry.”

 

“Sure, long as you pay for it,” said Merle.

 

“No one asked you, old dwarf!” said Taako.

 

Barry, grinning, added, “So can we, Angus?”

 

Lucretia snorted in surprise.

 

Lup said, “Shut _up_ , Barold! The kid's obviously not in charge. Whaddya think, Creesh? Clothes, no clothes?”

 

Lucretia froze. Of course, of course this was the logical next step of the joke, but somehow she hadn't been expecting –

 

“We'll get the c-clothes,” Davenport said, rescuing Lucretia from a painful inner conflict. She resolved to buy him some expensive coffee when all this was over with. He sounded more exhausted than he ever had in her first year seminar, and he'd had to keep track of twenty one first years in that class. “T-toiletries, w-whatever. Then we get on the road again. The R-reaper chasing us isn't gonna be unconscious forever.”

 

“Aye aye, cap'n,” said Magnus.

 

Lucretia waited for the customary “Don't call me that,” but it never came. Huh. She flipped back to her 'Davenport' section, which had doubled in size over the past day, and added: _Known Aliases: Captain._

 

***

 

“So, uh, how're we doing this?” Barry said, staring at the doors of the Fantasy Costco.

 

“We'll split up, I'd assume,” said Lucretia. “Since we all need different things.”

 

“L-let's do,” Davenport hesitated and glanced at the twins. He'd been teaching long enough to recognize which students would wreck shit if left alone, and the same principle probably applied. “Teams of th-three. Just to keep us from losing each other. D-do I have all of your phone numbers?”

 

“Sure thing!” said Angus.

 

“Lup, Barold, and I, let's _go_ ,” said Taako, already walking away, waving zir phone.

 

“Uh, okay, but I don't have – ”

 

“We'll update your contacts on the way, come _on_ , Barold,” Lup said, walking backwards through the automatic doors.

 

“O-okay,” said Barry, and he chased after the twins, shooting an apologetic glance at the rest of the group. That was a crush, if Davenport had ever seen one.

 

“Not to criticize your math, sir, but there's five of us left,” said Angus.

 

Davenport smiled. The situation was 100% fucked, and Davenport was not gonna rest easy till he was back in his real bed and so were all of the others, but Angus was a cute kid. It was good to see him snarking.

 

“How about you come with us, kiddo,” said Merle. “That good for you, Magnus, and, uh, Lucinda?”

 

“It's Lucretia,” Lucretia muttered.

 

“It's okay, I guess?” Magnus said, looking at his phone. “Sorry, I'm just – I fucking _hate_ dealing with my insurance and we got, like, five hours of sleep.”

 

“It's okay,” Lucretia said quietly. “Hey, um, do you – would you wanna see if we could beat the twins to the checkout?”

 

Magnus lit up.

 

“ _Fuck_ yeah,” he said, apparently not so tired after all.

 

Magnus charged in to the store, Lucretia half-jogging behind him, and dread crept into Davenport's stomach. Okay, so maybe splitting up hadn't been that good of a plan.

 

But Lucretia was a cautious girl, he thought, trying to convince himself. It'd be fine. He turned to Merle and Angus.

 

“Should we go to the pharmacy first, sirs?”

 

“Lead the way, kid,” said Merle.

 

***

 

“Magnus I don't _care_ what you say this is _not covered_ under vehicle proficiency – _Magnus we're going to crash_ – ”

 

Sloane did a double take at two humans careening through the juice aisle, one holding onto the cart white-knuckled and the other steering, for a given value of the word. It was definitely two of the seven thieves she'd profiled last night.

 

What a stroke of luck. Sloane smiled, and as the cart, somehow, rounded the corner, she sauntered after them.

 

***

 

“Could we not,” Barry squeaked, face aflame as Taako measured some _very_ skimpy lingerie against him. Lup had already done all of the work to acquire costumes for Taako and her, so there was just Barry to go. “Listen, the bluejeans are non-negotiable, okay?”

 

“Yikes,” Taako muttered.

 

Lup rolled her eyes. Taako liked to play like zie was a fashion icon, but left to zirself zie wore holy crop tops and ugly old booty shorts or like, twenty layers of coats that somehow _all_ clashed, or _both_ , so zie couldn't talk. “I'm the only one with a fashion sense in this fucking family and you fucking know it,” Lup said.

 

“Uh,” Barry said.

 

Lup turned to him and raised an eyebrow. He blushed even more violently and turned away.

 

“I think what Barold here is trying to say, _Lup_ , is everything you own is either bedazzled and/or it's got flame decals.”

 

“And? That's what I fucking said, babe,” Lup said, tossing her hair out of her face. “ _Fashion_.”

 

“I, uh, I gotta call, hold up for a minute,” Barry said.

 

“You can just ignore them, babe, this is more important.” Lup said.

 

“I really can't,” Barry said, and Lup sighed loudly, but then shut up to listen in better.

 

“Barry?”

 

Merle. Ugh.

 

“Uh, yeah, that's me.” Barry said.

 

“Have you three gotten watcha need? Dav and I are at the checkout lines and Maggie and, uh, Katrina are on their way.”

 

“Lucretia,” Lup muttered.

 

Barry turned towards them.

 

“Sure, whatever, my dude, it's fine,” Taako said, long-suffering, “not like we were having **fun** or anything. You don't have a costume yet but I guess that's chill.”

 

“Yeah, we're good,” Barry translated. Lup stifled a grin. “Seeya in a minute.”

 

They almost got lost following Taako into the food aisles, but Barry managed to steer them back towards the checkout line and their companions. Magnus and Lucretia looked winded, and Lup wondered what _that_ was all about, but Lucretia had a smile on her face, which was good to see. That girl could use some joy. Or some wine. Whichever.

 

“We're all here!” said Angus. “N-nice to see you, sir and ma'am and Taako!”

 

“Okay, you're paying, right, because – ” Taako began,

 

“Oh, you'll pay alright,” interrupted an unfamiliar voice. “For your _crimes_.”

 

***

 

 _Oh gods. Oh gods I can't_ believe _I just said that, how the hell do I deal with this, this was supposed to be a_ serious arrest, Hurley thought.

 

One of the criminals laughed.

 

Godsdammit! She had to do this! Hurley cleared her throat and flashed her badge. “All of you are under arrest for several counts of kidnapping and theft. You have the right to remain silent – ”

 

From the corner of her eye, Hurley spotted a tall figure wearing all black, and her voice faltered. It couldn't be.

 

“A-anything you say can and will be used against you – ”

 

But no one else moved with that fluid grace!

 

“ – in a court of law --”

 

The figure glanced towards Hurley and okay yeah, that was _definitely_ her girlfriend who lived in _Raven's Roost_ , what the fuck.

 

When she glanced back towards the criminals she was supposed to be arresting, they were gone.

 

***

 

“AAAaaahhh! What the shit just happened!” yelled Magnus.

 

This didn't help with the disorientation. Lucretia blinked in the low light, trying to understand where the _fuck_ they were.

 

“It's called _Tele_ port, kid!” said the.... person, wearing a Fantasy Costco vest. Probably a person. Cashier.

 

“Who are you and where have you taken us?” Angus said, backing to the far end of the small, dark room they were in.

 

“I'm _Garfield_ , kiddo! It seemed like _you_ were in a bit of a _pickle_ , so I brought you _here_ to offer you a _deal_!”

 

“What kind of deal,” Barry said, wary.

 

“Oh, nothing _difficult_! I keep you away from that lovely _cop_ on your tail, and the _other_ one, too, and you get out of here with all your _wares._ All I ask, is a little _souvenir_ ~”

 

Lucretia exchanged a nervous glance with Magnus. This was sketchy, right? They were in agreement that this was super fucking weird?

 

“The Reaper found us?” Taako muttered.

 

“Not quuuite!” said Garfield.

 

“You said 'the other one too'! What, are there _more_ people chasing us?” Lup said.

 

“Ah ah ah, no cheating! _That_ information will cost you _extra_!”

 

“You still haven't told us your price,” Angus said, as far from Garfield as he could get.

 

“Oh, all I ask for is a book. Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop and the Case of the Counterfeit Costco Cannibal. First Edition.” Garfield's eyes gleamed in the low light.

 

Lucretia could _see_ Angus recoil. “Th-that's all?” he said, voice shaking.

 

“Seems kind of cheap for all this stuff,” Magnus said, glancing at the three carts Garfield had teleported with them. He had to be more powerful than he looked, because eight people and three full carts was basically _impossible_.

 

“Oh, don't _worry_ , you'll pay for that _separately_ ,” said Garfield.

 

“Sounds fair to me!” Taako said. “Cough it up, kid, where do we sign?”

 

“No,” Lucretia was surprised to hear her own voice, but this wasn't right. If Lucretia knew anything, she knew the value of a book, and Angus looked so _scared_. “It's not, Taako. Would you accept a signed – ” her voice caught. There was no way he'd accept one of her books; he'd asked for a _Caleb Cleveland first edition_. That left only – Lucretia closed her eyes “ – a signed first edition Roman Miller autobiography?”

 

“Hmm,” said Garfield. “ _Hmmmmmm_. Perhaps. Let me _see_ it.”

 

Lucretia pulled the tiny book out of the liner pocket of her coat, heart in her throat. She didn't know what she was hoping for.

 

He looked at it for a moment that felt like stretched ice.

 

“Give me fifteen dollars and we'll call it even!” he said finally, _finally_.

 

Lucretia swallowed, trying to be happy about that.

 

Someone must have paid Garfield, because the next thing she knew, they were back in the van.

 

Barry cleared his throat. “We'd better head out,” he said. “I doubt the cops will be put off forever.”

 

“Y-yeah,” Davenport said. “S-someone check the trunk?”

 

“All there, my dude,” Lup confirmed.

 

 _Godsdammit, Lucretia_ , she thought, _why are you so pathetic_? She turned towards the window, scrubbing at her stupid fucking tears. It was only a stupid book.

 

“Thanks, Miss Lucretia,” Angus whispered, and reached over and grabbed her hand.

 

_Fuck._

 

“Yeah,” she said, voice watery, “you're welcome.”

  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey noiwontentermyname deserves the world; basically every single plot point in this story that involves garfield is entirely their invention and this chapter is no exception


	8. INTERLUDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is the opposition up to in these trying times?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could promise you that the next chapter would be out soon, it's what you deserve because you're all angels and I love you all so much, but unfortunately that is Not The Case. I'm trying to figure out how to manage my life rn, and also, while there's a lot of plot threads and details that I'm really excited for, some of the next arc still! Isn't! Coming! Together!
> 
> But the next chapter is coming eventually, and it will be longer than this one. I wasn't planning to have another chapter before the heist, but I realized I needed to do a bit more setup anyway, so here we are! Consider this a bonus chapter, ilu all.

Hurley breathed out, frustration boiling. So this was gonna be one of _those_ cases.

 

Well... at the very least, that gave her time to talk to her girlfriend. “Sloane? What the hell are you doing here?” Hurley yelled, speedwalking through the crowd towards her.

 

Sloane turned towards Hurley, and for a split second, Hurley was certain she was gonna bolt.

 

“O-oh! I'm just, uh, shopping, getting some groceries,” Sloane gestured at her cart. Hurley eyed it. Two jumbo Fantasy Slim Jims™ boxes, a huge granola bar container, and a quadruple pack of Fantasy Starbucks™ espresso shots.

 

Okay, great, so her girlfriend was surviving off snack food. “Are you okay, babe? Why didn't you tell me you'd be in town? We could've – well, no, I'm working, or I'm supposed to be working – ” Hurley clenched her fists, frustration and worry warring for dominance. “Just, what the _fuck_ , 'Lo?”

 

Sloane opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Her face _crumpled_ , and without thinking, Hurley reached up and grabbed Sloane's hand, smoothing patterns into her palm.

 

Voice wavering, Sloane said, “Sorry, babe. I didn't want to tell you, I... my aunt's dying. I was just picking up some road trip supplies so I could get out there, and I know you had this new case. I suppose I... didn't want to bother you.”

 

“Oh, babe, you're never a bother,” Hurley said softly, pressing a kiss into Sloane's palm. “These criminals, on the other hand,”

 

Sloane laughed, a little choked up, and Hurley grinned and pressed her luck. “Babe, how about we go to lunch? I'm all for Fantasy Slim Jims but they're not, like, _food_.”

 

Sloane hesitated. “Don't you have your case, Hurles?”

 

Right, _shit_ , the case.

 

Just then, out of the corner of her eye, Hurley noticed an empty checkout light flick on, the telltale violet flash of an illegal teleportation rod deploying at the same time.

 

Hurley grinned, slow and a little bit vicious. “Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. These guys may have managed to grab the Light, but they're no Raven. How do you feel about another lunch guest, babe?”

 

Sloane followed her gaze, and her wobbly smile sharpened.

 

“Let's get 'em.”

 

***

 

If Kravitz saw another feather in his life, he was going to retire to the Eternal Stockade and spend the rest of infinity playing backgammon with death criminals. That had been the worst diversion in the history of time, and he _still_ had the kidnapper case to resolve.

 

Probably better to deal with that now. Kravitz summoned his Book with a negligent wave of his hand, reminding himself of the details. Necromantic cult, kidnapped a young boy, stole the Light of Creation, seeking to steal the other Relics.

 

The book provided a helpful summary of the Relics, and last known locations. The Temporal Chalice in Refuge, the Gauntlet unknown –

 

Oh _fuck_ no.

 

Kravitz took a deep breath. Could he deal with Brian for one night in order to capture some vile death criminals? _Honored Queen_ , fine, he could.

 

Kravitz stayed collapsed on his bed for a minute, and then got up and stared at his closet. Black suit, black suit, pajamas that absolutely were not going to see the light of day, black suit, _really_ terrible t-shirt. Okay, so the closet wasn't going to work out. He looked around his room. He only had one set of sheets, he couldn't cut holes in that. Plus, most ghosts weren't black.

 

Queen, his room was bare, wasn't it?

 

Unwillingly, his eyes fell on the pile of feathers in the corner.

 

Hells. His moms were going to get a picture of this, somehow, weren't they?

 

Kravitz straightened his lapels, and went to go find some glue.   
  
***

 

Brian giggled. “Oh, zis is so exciting! I cannot wait to see all the terrifying costumes! I wonder who shall win the big contest?”

 

Bryan chittered softly, waving her mandibles.

 

Two tall, thin figures emerged from the shadows. Brian's smile froze.

 

“Hmmm, I don't know, darling, do you really think so?” Edward said, examining his nails.

 

“I think Bryan is very wise! Whoever wins or,” Lydia smirked, “ _loses_ , the real prize is the _fun you have along the way_. Don't you think so, _Brian_?”

 

Brian deeply wished his fiance was here. “Y-yes, of course! Dat is, if you win the costume contest, as promised I will giff you the Oculus. It's only fair, for my darling vedding planners!”

 

“Mmm. Good man. I'm sure you will be... impressed.”

 

“Yes,” Brian said, “I'm sure. De party is tomorrow, so if you would giff me some time to prepare the ballroom...”

 

“Of course.” The twins stalked back into the shadows, and a door slammed. Brian shuddered.

 

“I do not like zem,” he confessed. Bryan chittered.

 

“Well, of course you would,” Brian said, smiling. “Alright, alright. You are right as always, Bryan. Let's get to it!”

 

 

 

*** Bonus scene: ***

 

 

“Soooo, what did you all get?” Merle asked, as the last notes of _Home_ faded away.

 

“Uh, _clothes_? Why, old man, what did _you_ get?”

 

“Geez, don't have to bite my head off! What about you, Alyssa?”

 

“It's Lucretia. And a costume, some supplies, snacks, gorp with pistachios,” Lucretia said quietly.

 

“So, like, GORPP?” said Lup.

 

“Well, I actually call it PGORP. The shells give it crunch.”

 

“Wait, _PGORP_?” Angus said, at the same time that Barry demanded, “You eat them WHOLE?”

 

“I-it's not that weird!” Lucretia said, flustered. The entire van continued to stare at her. “...is it?”

 

“It's a little weird, Miss Lucretia!” Angus patted her knee. “But we love you anyway.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will take this moment to plug the playlist, which is public and has contributions from the very lovely spellmotif (orchidhorror) and also contains the song Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. If you add things to it I will love you even more than I already do.   
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/32hh4IWhjJEeC2XfaaCMUE


	9. SOIREE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew arrives at the party, and gathers some information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!! It's me again! 
> 
> The cool and exciting news is that right after I posted the last chapter, I outlined this whole arc, and it's excellent and I am very excited to get through it. There's fight scenes! Relationship development! Plot? 
> 
> The less exciting news is that this has not appeared to improve my writing speed, mostly because college kind of sucks. Thank you all for being so encouraging about that! I'll get back to comments soon! 
> 
> But I can now give you an official guesstimate of this fic's length: based on the fact that the first arc was about 15k, and I suspect the next arcs will get progressively longer, and there are gonna be eight arcs total, I think this fic will be roughly ~160k when I'm finished. Not too bad either way!

“Okay, so tell me again why _Magnus_ , our biggest, most fighty-est guy, is sitting this one out?”

 

“Huh?” Magnus turned to look at Taako. His seat belt locked. Car! Right. “What happened?”

 

Taako rolled his eyes. “I was asking why the _fuck_ you're the one staying in the car, big boy.”

 

“That's what I've been saying!” Magnus said, pulling at the seat belt. Still locked. “Couldn't Barry, or I don't know, Lucretia be getaway driver?”

 

“Ah, leave Dav alone, kid. Can you even drive, Alicia?”

 

“No, no, he's right,” Lucretia said, biting her nails. “I could definitely stay in the car.”

 

“Lucretia, I appreciate the offer, but I know for a fact that you can't drive.” Davenport said.

 

“That's not true! I have a vehicle proficiency!”

 

Lup smirked. “You mean a _driver's license_?”

 

“Um,” Lucretia squeaked.

 

“Magnus is staying and that's final.” The car stopped. Oh, huh, they were here!

 

Were those _spider topiaries?_ Fuck, maybe staying in the car was for the best after all.

 

“Is anyone else wondering what's up with the Reaper dude?” Taako said.

 

Nope, never mind, staying in the car was going to kill him. Spiders were bad, seat belts were _worse_.

 

This outfit was killing him. How did Taako deal with all this _itchy_?

 

“Naaaah. If he hasn't caught us by now, we're good! I figure the dude got scared after we showed him what we got,” Merle said.

 

“Well, that's optimistic,” Lup said. “Can we get in there already? I'm ready to steal some shit.”

 

“You're not – okay, yeah, let's go.” Barry said.

 

“Get me some appetizers!” Magnus yelled, once Lup had unfolded herself from the back seat and climbed out of the van.

 

“Sure, big boy!”

 

“Ugh, I'm already bored,” Magnus groaned, stretching out on the seat. At least he could take off the seat belt. That was something.

 

“Sir?” Magnus looked up. Huh, he thought they'd left. “I've got, um, if you want it, I could lend you a book?”

 

“Sure, watcha got, Ango?”

 

“Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop and the Converse Curse is a really good one to start off from,” Angus said, handing Magnus a thin book. “Don't read the end first, okay? The twist is really good!”

 

Well, it was better than staring out the window. Probably. Magnus took it and smiled at Angus. “Thanks, Angus.”

 

Angus smiled back. He said, “You're welcome, sir!” and ran off after the rest of the group. Magnus immediately flipped to the end of the book. He couldn't wait to see this forbidden twist.

 

***

 

“Do we need to go over the plan?” Lucretia said.

 

Taako rolled his eyes. “Me and Lup and Barry and Merle are schmoozing, Ango and Davenport are sneaking around and grabbing the Oculus once we've tracked it down, you're lookout. That enough of a review for you?”

 

“Schmoozing isn't really an – an accurate description, uh, we're the distraction if necessary, we're keeping an eye on everyone else, uh, reporting to Lucretia – ” Barry said.

 

Lup cut him off. Thank _gods_. “We spent _three hours_ arguing about this plan, babe. I think we're good.”

 

Was that a blush? Man, what was Taako gonna do if Lup fell for one of these chucklefucks? The sooner they found these fucking artifacts, the better.

 

Angus ran up, wings bouncing against his back, and said, “Did I miss anything?”

 

Taako snorted. “No, no, you're good, pumpkin. Didn't even notice you were gone.”

 

Angus's face fell. Oh gods, with that makeup on he looked like a fucking kitten or some shit. That should be illegal.

 

“Fine! Gods, make the eyes stop! It's, um, it's good that you're here. You know, so we can get this thing over with.”

 

Lup shoved his shoulder. “Oh, one- _hundo_ percent.”

 

“Shut _up_ , Lup!” Taako hissed.

 

“Who's g-got the invites?” Davenport said.

 

Lucretia withdrew the invites that she'd hand-made and handed them to Davenport wordlessly. He gave them to the guard at the door, who examined them for a second and then waved them in.

 

They all hesitated at the door.

 

“We goin' in or what?” Merle said, and pushed it open with his good arm.

 

Taako surveyed the room with a critical eye. Gods above, who the fuck needed that much fake gold? Besides Taako and Lup, natch. Forget the stupid world-ending monocle, Taako was gonna grab some of that sweet sweet metal. Honestly, he'd be doing the place a favor; this room was _tack-y_.

 

“Magnus stealing your wardrobe was more creative than half these bastards' costumes put together,” Lup muttered.

 

“Hey, Lulu, betcha ten GP I can steal more shoes off these rich fucks than you,” Taako said back, grinning.

 

Lup stifled a snort. “Uh-huh, sure babe, make it fifteen and we got a deal,” she said.

 

“D-don't jeopardize the mission, _please_ ,” Davenport said, grimacing.

 

“Gods, don't worry so much! Taako and I are _experts_ at this.” Lup said.

 

“That d-doesn't really make this better – ”

 

Angus interrupted, tugging at Davenport's outfit. “Let's go see if we can talk to Mr. Brian, sir!”

 

“Alright but – at least _t-try_ not to get in trouble – ” Angus dragged Davenport along.

 

“I, um, I'm going to go find a place to watch things, out of the way,” Lucretia said.

 

No one said anything. She didn't move. “You, uh, that's fine, Lucretia, you can go,” Barry said, at length. Taako was honestly so fucking glad he hadn't found a real costume, because “lich in an oversized red bathrobe” was comedy _gold_.

 

“Oh, um, okay. I'm going. Bye.” Lucretia walked into the crowd, shoulders tense.

 

“I gotta drop a deuce,” Merle announced.

 

“Ewwww! You didn't need to _say_ that!” Lup said.

 

“What! Everyone else was sayin' what they were doin'!”

 

“Yeah, because they weren't _going to the bathroom_! Gross, old dwarf!” Taako said.

 

“Yeah, uh, was that – was that really necessary, Merle?” Barry said, staring at him.

 

“Ah, whatever, I'll just leave, clearly I'm not wanted here,” Merle grumped, walking directly away from the clearly-marked bathroom signs.

 

“Uh, M-merle,” Barry said.

 

Merle turned around, a look of exaggerated annoyance on his face. “What? Can't a guy get some peace on his way to the john?”

 

“Don't you _dare_ , Barold,” Taako hissed.

 

“Never, uh, never mind,” Barry said.

 

“Oh, sure, sure. Don't tell the old guy anything! Have fun trading secrets _behind my back_ , losers!” Merle continued walking in the wrong direction.

 

“Guess it's just us then, huh?” Barry said.

 

“Stellar observation there, Barold, you musta rolled a nat 20 on that perception check, huh?” Taako said.

 

Lup laughed. “Ooh, speaking of, appetizers!”

 

They wove through the crowd towards the lonely table, near the stage.

 

“Yeesh, is that supposed to be _bruschetta_?” Lup said, poking at one of the tiny plates.

 

“Better than fucking Denny's, at least,” Taako said, taking some of everything.

 

“C'mon, you two, we're supposed to be – ” Barry said, sounding a little out of breath, before a ringing sound cut him off.

  
  
“Excuse me! Excuse me, darlings, please, I have an announcement for all of you,” a rich fuck on the stage, dressed like some kind of... spider, maybe?, yelled. The room gradually quieted.

 

“I am so happy to have you all here to celebrate the first ever annual Halloween bash! Zis is, of course, an honored holiday celebrated in my homeland in order to commemorate death and spiders! Bats as well! All of you with your very scary costumes, very well done, is that a sexy vampire I see? Excellent, _well_ , zis party also has a special and personal meaning to me, your host, Brian Charbonneau Ragnoneri!”

 

Brian made a sweeping motion with his hand, and a man in a black cloak emerged from the shadows. “My sweetling Dracula and I have become engaged!”

 

Dear gods. How tacky could you _be_? Taako shoveled caviar into his mouth, drowning out the insipid cheering.

 

“Yes, yes, thank you for _coming_ tonight!” the tall figure dressed in a stereotypical vampire outfit said, quieting the cheers.

 

“Ve are very glad to have you all here on this _beautiful_ evening. There vill be a costume contest later, vith points assigned for most real to life _and_ the most terrifying costume. Enter only if you are prepared to face the terrifying Dracula _in battle_!” 'Dracula' was gesturing even more aggressively than Brian, and at this point he threw back his head and laughed like some kinda fucking movie villain.

 

Polite, aristocratic laughter met this clear insanity. Gods, Taako hated rich people.

 

“Ze prize is 1,000 GP, and an opportunity to take photos with us, your _hosts!_ ” Brian yelled. “Please, enter!” They walked off the stage together, arms linked. Disgusting.

 

“We gotta enter that contest, babe,” Lup said, staring at the stage. “The Lady Flame isn't that scary but you? Barry? Has the world ever seen such horror, so lovingly crafted? You have to,” she said.

 

“You joke, but this costume is the scariest of creatures, the evil that lurks beyond our mortal ken,” Taako sniffed.

 

“You're wearing a powder blue collared shirt and brown khakis and fake square glasses. Your costume is 'a straight cis white guy'.”

 

“ _Exactly_!”

 

Lup laughed, and Taako's eye was caught by a glittery cloak – or, to be more precise, two glittery cloaks. Brian edged off the stage as two flashy elves approached it. They were looking right at Brian, too; there had to be some kind of beef there.

 

“Do those two seem suspicious to you?”

 

“They totally stole our aesthetic,” Lup complained.

 

It was true. Elven twins, shiny cloaks, gods, why the _fuck_ had Taako gone with this shit instead of something glamorous. More than that, though, everyone looked weirdly on edge around them.

 

Taako glanced at Lup. “I'll tail 'em. Can't let them get away with identity theft like this.”

 

“Shouldn't we go together? Also, Magnus is literally wearing your clothing; isn't that worse?” Barry said.

 

“Okay, fair point, but you're not stealthy, and I don't trust you alone in this crowd,” Taako said. “Babysit him, wouldja, Lup?”

 

“You got it, babe.”

 

“Excellent,” Taako said, and started walking towards the glint of cloaks.

 

***

 

“We should, uh, we should gather info, Lup,” Barry said.

 

“Right. Sure, yeah, how about them?” Lup pointed to a group with two drow, a couple of humans, and a halfling, chatting by the table.

 

Barry looked over. “Yeah, sure, but um, Lup, you might wanna let me do the talking,”

 

Lup scoffed. “ _You_? No offense, Barold, but you're not exactly the smoothest. I'll handle this.” She strode up to the group. “Okay, I'm gonna make this quick. Any of you rich fuuu-olks heard about the Light of Creation?”

 

“And who, exactly, are you?” said the shorter drow.

 

“Um, and why would that be any of your business?” Lup said, flustered. Shit, did she need to think of a fake name? Fuck!

 

“E-excuse my associate,” Barry said, breathing a little hard. “Her name is, uh, Au-Alicia Little and she's just very excited to be here. She's been watching, uh, a lot of spy shows, just, just got really into the whole aesthetic.”

 

“Funny, she doesn't look much like a spy,” the drow said. What _was_ that costume? Some kind of manticore or something?

 

“It's from an obscure show called Saturday Night Dead, you wouldn't have heard of it,” Lup said. “So uh, Light of Creation?”

 

“Is that some new fantasy serial, too?” said one of the humans.

 

“No, that's Fantasy Honey Bunches of Oats,” Barry said, almost smoothly.

 

The group tittered. Like a godsdamned flock of _starlings_. What. The _fuck_.

 

“A-anyway, Saturday Night Dead has these, uh, relics that the monsters use to uh, to power up. My – Alicia, here, just got a little mixed up.”

 

Lup winced at this butchering of the story, but – Barry must have seen it, to mention the monsters, and that sounded _almost_ like Sylvain's crystal. Was Barry a Deadhead? Holy _shit_!

 

“Oh, you're looking for information on the _Oculus_ ,” The taller drow said, nonchalant.

 

“Naughty boy!” purred the human in the maid costume, who clearly hadn't so much as touched a feather duster a day in their life, leaning on Barry's shoulder.

 

“I heard it's locked up tight in a bank in Neverwinter,” Barry said, looking a little uncomfortable. But he wasn't tomato-red, like he was when she said, like, _anything_ to him. Should she _do_ something? What the fuck was happening?

 

“ _Did_ you,” said the manticore-drow.

 

“I heard it was in that awful tacky tiara,” the 'maid' said.

 

“That's certainly the rumor, isn't it, Jin?”

 

“Oh!” Barry twisted his head to stare at Brian. Lup winced. Could he be any more obvious? “I can't believe I didn't notice that!”

 

“Remarkable, isn't it,” said the halfling vampire. “Too bad it's a fake.”

 

“What? But it looks so real!” Barry sounded shocked, but – Lup frowned – she knew he wasn't dumb, Angus had told them in the car that there would probably be some red herrings.

 

“Well, it is rumored to be good at _illusions_ ,” the halfling said.

 

Barry said, “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Gods, if it's not _there_ , though, where would they leave it? I mean, I'd never leave something like that unguarded.”

 

“Gathering information, huh?” said the tall drow.

 

Barry smiled. “Maybe.”

 

“Oh, I _like_ you. Alright, I'll bite, Brian's an idiot who could stand a little scandal, anyway.”

 

“Tzion!” said the final human, scandalized.

 

“Cindy, it's fine. What is he going to do, take a bath?” The group laughed again.

 

“There's exactly three doors in this household that are well-guarded. Of the three, one's guarded by a Frankenstein who always lies, one's guarded by a Frankenstein who always tells the truth, and one's hidden with illusion magic.”

 

“Is this some kind of bullshit riddle?” Lup said.

 

“No, the Draculas are just like that,” the halfling said, rolling their eyes.

 

“Alright, uh, thanks!” Barry said, grabbing Lups arm and steering her away. “We, uh, we gotta go!”

 

“How did you do that?” Lup said a few seconds later, wrenching her arm out of his grasp.

 

“Whaddya mean?”

 

“Oh, you know,” Lup said.

 

Barry stared at her blankly.

 

Lup huffed. “Okay, like – how did you get them to tell you that? You didn't bribe them or anything, they just told you shit. Also, you're a _Deadhead_? How has this never come up? I'm dressed as _The Lady Flame_!”

 

“Uh, I guess you – I'm not sure I should be telling you this, actually.” Barry said.

 

“C'moooon, spill!” Lup said, sidling closer to him. “You can't hold out on me like this, Barold!”

 

She could see the blush _through the facepaint_. Holy fuck, this was _incredible_.

 

“Uh.”

 

Lup inched even closer. “Baroooold.”

 

“Okay, okay, I'm just trying to think of how to phrase this!” He rubbed the back of his head. “Okay. Um, rich people are bored like, _all_ the time, and if you can make them think an idea is their idea, they'll do whatever for you. Like, I was playing dumb, but _obviously_ playing dumb, which made it, I guess, kind of a game to play along?”

 

“Where the fuck did you _learn_ that?” Lup said, fascinated.

 

“Oh, you know,” Barry said, not looking at her.

 

“Wait, Barry, do you hang around rich people on the _regular_? Barold, if you're rich you're legally obligated to tell me!”

 

“Hey, look, there's Merle!” Barry said, walking away from her. Lup followed, annoyed but also a little delighted. Looks like Mr. Bathrobe had a spine after all.

 

***

 

“The _nerve_ of them,” Brian fumed, falling dramatically into a settee. “To come to my party with zose beautiful outfits, _ruin_ the costume contest, _chase_ me away from ze stage! Oh, I may never recover! I will go out zere right now, and I will magic missile them. I will expel zem from the premises!”

 

“Let's not be _hasty,_ darkness of my unlife,” Dracula said.

 

Brian sat up. Oh, he was so in _love_! “What are you zinking, my angelcake?”

 

“I am thinking,” Dracula scooped him up in his arms, and Brian laughed, exhilarated, “that ve do not know vat they are up to. I am thinking that this is _our_ house, and that is not _acceptable_ , my endless nightmare. Follow them, Bryan.”

 

“Do you mean, I, Bryan with a Y, ze spider, or...?” Brian said, smiling up at his fiance.

 

“Ze real spider, my blood-red heart.”

 

Brian giggled. “Oh, all right zen! Bryan, follow zem, and we will return to this party! This is, as you say, our house!”

 

“Indeed!”

 

“I could not have said it better myself!”

 

***

 

“Kravitz! Kravitz, darling, over here!”

 

Kravitz turned around. Slowly. This was _just great_.

 

“Hey, Brian, how are you,” he said, teeth clenched.

 

“Kravitz! It is _so nice_ to _see_ you, darling! How have you _been_? Have you been keeping up with ze mandolin?”

 

“Uh, more or less,” Kravitz said, rubbing the back of his neck. “My mom got me a new job? It's, um, freelance.”

 

“Oh, you're _writing_! How wonderful, I am so glad to hear it! I have to get back to my fiance, zere was an emergency in the kitchen, but,” Brian winked, “If you are ever feeling, shall we say, _adventurous,_ my sweetums and I are what you might call _open_.”

 

“Right. Right. I have to go now, immediately, for unrelated reasons, but this was great, really, I'm so glad we had this opportunity to catch up.” Kravitz said, and turned on his heel.

 

“Byyyyye, darling!” Brian said, “Truly, so good to see you!”

 

“Uh-huh!”

 

“Have a fun time at ze party! I hope you enjoy ze snacks!”

 

“Sure!”

 

“Be sure to remind me to introduce you to my fianceee!”

 

Kravitz shouldered his way through the crowd and slumped against a wall, staring blankly at all the silly costumes. This had been a mistake.

 

“Rough night already?”

 

He turned to see a woman dressed in what looked like some kind of cowboy-wizard costume.

 

“Guess you could say that.” Kravitz said.

 

“You know Mr. Ragnoneri?”

 

“Dated him. Won't say it's the worst mistake of my life but, uh, it's up there,” Kravitz said, slumping further into the wall.

 

The woman snorted. “I've had a few of those kinds of relationships.”   
  


Kravitz didn't know what to say to that. Why did people approach other people at parties? Ever? What did this woman want from him?

 

“What do you know about this party? Is it just to show off the crown, or...?” The woman said.

 

“Why do you want to know about that?” Kravitz said suspiciously.

 

“Uh,” The woman looked around the room, and finally turned back to him with a wry quirk of her lips. “Fuck, honestly, you caught me. I'm a reporter. Doing an op-ed on the Oculus. I know Mr. Ragnoneri inherited it recently, and I smelled a story. Got in on a press pass,” she flashed a badge that looked genuine enough.

 

“Uh-huh,” Kravitz said, distracted by a sudden wave of nostalgia set off by two bedazzled black cloaks. Queen, those two looked _just like_ Eddy and Dia.

 

Wait.

 

Wait, that wasn't – it _couldn't be_ –

 

“Excuse me, I have to, um, go,” he said, and scrambled up a staircase-archway-column decorated in spider webs.

 

From this architecturally useless vantage point, Kravitz spotted at least three necromancers, spread out in such a way that it would be impossible to take them out without massive collateral damage. _Shit_ , fuck, he needed to figure out how to deal with that but it could wait five seconds for him to find –

 

That was definitely them.

 

What the _fuck_ was he going to do?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'know vampbrian is a crack pairing, but they got chemistry 
> 
> thanks again to noiwontentermyname for betaing!


	10. ARRESTED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids get in some trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back from the dead (AKA writing my thesis. It's almost done!) Thanks for sticking with me. (Also if you've commented and I haven't responded I Still Love You So Much and i may or may not get back to you soon)
> 
> Part of the reason this chapter took two months is that I really want to try and establish a semi-consistent update schedule, so I now have one (1) buffer chapter and will hopefully be able to add to that and update... we'll say... every two weeks? I really want to do weekly-ish updates, but I think I'll start slow and see if I can work up instead of doing an unplanned hiatus again. 
> 
> I'd recommend re-reading the last chapter, because that's where this arc starts, but for a very basic reminder of what's going on: the IPRE are trying to steal the Oculus to keep it away from John Hunger. The Oculus happens to be at a Halloween party hosted by Brian and Dracula. Sloane and Hurley and Kravitz are trying to catch them, and Edward and Lydia seem to want the Oculus, too.   
> Angus and Davenport are on 'finding and neutralizing the Relic'. Lucretia is lookout. Merle, Barry, Taako and Lup are supposed to schmoozing, keeping an eye on key parties, info-gathering, and basically support. Magnus is the getaway driver.

Lucretia pressed her back into the wall, barely breathing, attempting to dissolve into the ridiculous black curtains that were all that was hiding her from the Reaper standing _literally right there_. The balcony had seemed like such a good idea five minutes ago, when she'd been able to keep an eye out on everyone and tell Davenport and Angus that they were fine to sneak across the extremely exposed area between the drink table and the velvet rope blocking the rest of the house.

 

“Fuck,” muttered the Reaper, after an interminable minute.

 

Lucretia could appreciate the sentiment. Her nose was _so itchy_. As she willed herself to not move, she heard the stairs creaking.

 

More people. Wonderful! Wonderful.

 

“Just one more question!” an unfamiliar voice said.

 

“I'm afraid I can't talk anymore, I'm on the job,” the Reaper said, stiffer than Lucretia had ever heard him. He finally, _finally_ left the balcony. Maybe she'd get out of this alright after all!

 

“You can come out now,” the same voice said, mild.

 

_Shit._

 

There was no way to play this off, was there? If someone had noticed her – well, they probably were just curious why she was hiding, right? And they hadn't alerted the Reaper that she was here. This might still be okay.

 

Lucretia edged out from behind the curtain.

 

“Hello,” said the person. Long black hair, sharp eyes, Gandy Dancer costume. “Enjoying the party?”

 

“That was, um, old ex, bad – bad blood there, I was just – ” Lucretia stuttered.

 

“Funny. He seems to have a lot of exes at this party,” the woman said, leaning casually on the banister.

 

Lucretia's heart was in her throat. She nodded, speechless.

 

“You seemed to be keeping an awfully close eye on things, earlier. Notice anything interesting?”

 

Before she could stop herself, Lucretia glanced at Davenport and Angus. Fuck, the Reaper was definitely following them, _fuck_!

 

“ – No,” Lucretia choked. “Not, um, not really, just, uh, just watching. K-keeping an eye on things.”

 

“Hm,” said the woman, following her gaze. “Good to know. Have you heard the gossip about the Oculus?”

 

“No,” Lucretia said, dread somehow climbing even higher. Who _was_ this person?

 

“Rumor has it,” the woman said, leaning into her space, “It's about to _change hands_.” The woman grabbed Lucretia's phone from her grip before Lucretia could react. She cried out, but the woman had already dropped it and crushed it under one black-booted heel.

 

“Good luck keeping an eye on everything, Lucretia,” the woman said, following the Reaper down the stairs.

 

Lucretia sat there, frozen, till the woman had reached the base of the stairs, and then she was finally able to make her godsdamned body _move_ and she scrambled to the edge of the balcony.

 

Davenport and Angus had rounded the corner, but the Reaper was in fast pursuit, only a few dozen meters away – she had Message but they were too far away – Taako was nowhere – Merle, Barry and Lup were – okay, okay, Lup was better than nothing,

 

“Lup! The Reaper's following Davenport and Angus and there's a woman in a Gandy Dancer costume on their tails too, _intercept them!_ ” she said.

 

Lup's ears swiveled, and she said something to Barry and Merle, gesticulating a little.

 

Lucretia breathed a sigh of relief. They knew what was going on, now. It was going to be okay.

 

***

 

“Okay, uh, how're we gonna do this?” Barry said, brain racing.

 

Lup was already snagging her phone out of a pocket. Fuck, wow, he'd totally forgotten that phones were a thing. He'd been ready to go after Davenport and Angus on foot.

 

It rang like, three whole times before Davenport picked up, and with each ring Barry's anxiety ratcheted up.

 

“Davenport? Yeah, uuuh, the Reaper's on your tail, you might wanna do something about that. We'll try and catch you as soon as we can, but there's an, uh, person in a 'Gandy Dancer' costume after you, too, we might have to split up – ”

 

No response that Barry could hear. He fidgeted, looking around.

 

Wait.

 

“Lup – ”

 

“What, babe?” Lup said, turning.

 

“Merle's gone,” Barry said. The panic had metamorphized into a kind of resigned, muffled screaming.

 

“Oh. Uh, fuck.”

 

Barry, scanning the crowd for one renegade dwarf, noticed something else. The screaming kicked up a notch. “And there's the cop from the Fantasy Costco,” he said.

 

Lup winced. “Okay, Davenport, Merle _probably_ is making his way to you, we'll be there ASAP, just try and hold off the Reaper as long as you can, okay, babe? We gotta go bye!”

 

Lup hung up the phone, her face grim. “So, you know what a 'Gandy Dancer' is?”

 

“You don't watch _Dust_? It's such a good show!” Barry said.

 

“Right, that answers that. I'll distract the cop, you get Miss Dancer, Merle is going to attack the actual fucking Grim Reaper singlehandedly, I _guess_ ,” Lup said. “If we're lucky. If he hasn't wandered off to take a dump or something.”

 

“Okay. Uh, great. See-seeya later?” Barry said.

 

Lup flashed a radiant smile.

 

“Yeah. See you soon.”

 

***

 

“Hey. Got a minute?”

 

Hurley turned, half-expecting to see Sloane, who had been gone _awfully_ longfor a bathroom break. Instead, she was met with the sort-of familiar visage of Lup, one of the criminals she was supposed to be tracking.

 

“You _do_ realize I'm going to arrest you, right?” Hurley said.

 

The criminal grinned, showing off sharp canines. “You can _try_ ,” she said, and cast Color Spray.

 

Hurley yelped, startled but then angry. Blinding her was one thing, but that spell blinded everyone in range!

 

“You're going to regret that,” she said, twitching her ears, listening closely past the swelling murmurs of the crowd.

 

“Oh, _will_ I now –”

 

Hurley hit Lup with a flurry of blows, then whammed her with a stunning strike with her baton.

 

She reached down and handcuffed Lup, smiling. _Finally_ she'd gotten the better of one of these bastards. “You're under arrest. Anything you say can be held against you in a court of law...”

 

***

 

“Gandy!”

 

It took Sloane a second, but she turned around, curious, noticing a guy dressed in a red bathrobe gently elbowing his way through the crowd.

 

Oh, that must be Barry Bluejeans. She'd almost caught up to the Reaper, but she could afford to play along for a minute. None of these fools were above level five.

 

Bluejeans cast Eldritch Blast. Sloane dodged, and watched as it impacted a guest in a half-hearted ghost costume. They didn't even drop, although the rest of the crowd was quickly backing away, and Sloane smirked. “You can't cast any real spells. You're too afraid of collateral damage.”

 

“Why are you – _who are you_?”

 

“I'm just helping out my girlfriend,” Sloane said. “If I happen to find a little treasure on the side, well – I wouldn't try that if I were you,” she interrupted herself.

 

“The Reaper is after me already. What's a little Chill Touch among friends?” Barry said, fumbling his wand.

 

Sloane examined it. He really shouldn't be so clumsy around a thief. Oh, there were little skulls on the handle, how cute!

 

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Barry said, with feeling.

 

“ _Sloane_? What the fuck, where were you! What are you _doing_?”

 

Shit.

 

“I was – ” Sloane cleared her throat, mind racing. “I recognized one of your descriptions and um, a friend of mine taught me a little slight of hand, this one was threatening to do some necromancy on random passersby and I grabbed his wand before he could manage it.”

 

“Sloane, that's – watch out!”

 

Sloane turned just in time to duck away from a truly impressive unarmed swing, at least for a pudgy, middle-aged human who looked like he'd spent the last ten years inside.

 

“I can't let you do this,” Barry panted. “We didn't do anything wrong!”

 

“I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice,” Sloane said.

 

“Sloane, um, thanks. I still wanna talk about all this but,” Hurley grabbed a pair of handcuffs and threw them at her, and Sloane snagged them out of the air easily. “Do the honors?”

 

***

 

Kravitz had finally managed to catch sight of the necromancer and the child around one of the many corridors when a voice interrupted his hunt.

 

“Hey! Bone Guy! Turn around, wouldja?”

 

“Merle Highchurch,” Kravitz intoned, turning around with some relish. “Normally I'd be annoyed to be distracted on the precipice of a Reaping, but it is so nice when the prey just _presents itself_ – ”

 

“I wouldn't do that if I were you,” a high, child's voice interrupted, shaking only a little.

 

“Angus Mcdonald? Angus, I'm here to rescue you.”

 

Angus shook his head. “No! Don't, they – they, um,” his breath hitched. “Look.”

 

At this, his entire body lit up with bright red runes.

 

Kravitz was familiar with any number of runic languages, and he had seen some truly nasty stuff over the course of his work as a Reaper. This was hardly worse than the cult last summer with the purity clause. In fact, in comparison the necromancy was positively clumsy.

 

And yet, “You've rigged him to _blow up_ if I so much as – as touch my scythe!” Kravitz said.

 

“Not q-q-quite,” Davenport said. “Only if you channel godly magic. Or get within ten meters of Angus.”

 

“Fine, then...” Kravitz whipped around and grabbed the dwarf in a hold. “Then I will be taking this dwarf hostage. Give me the child, or I will snap his neck. I don't need magic to do that.”

 

“I-i-i-i-if you d-do, I'll – I'll kill him. Right now.” Davenport held a wand to Angus's head, who squeaked, eyes wide.

 

“Woah woah woah, maybe we don't gotta kill anyone!” Merle said, sounding remarkably chipper, given the situation. “How about, I go with you, the kid goes with Dav. At the end of this night, we trade. You get to save the kid, I get to go with my friends to steal more, uh, getums?”

 

“Relics,” Angus said.

 

“Right, relics. Uh, and then whatever ya do, we don't have the kid anymore, capiche?” Merle said.

 

“Fine,” he spit, and releasing Merle from the hold. “Give me your hands.”

 

“Uhhh, I'm not into that bondage shit with guys like you, no offense – ”

 

“Give. Me. Your. Hands.”

 

Merle silently held out both hands, and Kravitz handcuffed him, more roughly than necessary.

 

“If you are not back here by midnight, I will kill him, and damn the bounty,” Kravitz said, staring the gnome down. “I have been a Reaper for many years. _Do not test me_.”

 

Davenport stared right back, and nodded once, sharp. Then he tugged Angus around a corner and was gone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my beta noiwontentermyname ilu 
> 
> also also I've been adding to the playlist a lot and it's honestly really good u should go listen to it https://open.spotify.com/playlist/32hh4IWhjJEeC2XfaaCMUE


	11. FRANKENSTEINS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Davenport and Angus find the Oculus. More or less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall has it been two weeks? Time is confusing and i don't know what i'm doing  
> i think i may go back to just updating when i finish a chapter and try my best to make that fast-ish. I'm not sure timed updates particularly work for this fic. 
> 
> there's a content warning in this chapter for claustrophobia and just general distress; it's marked with 'tw' on either side. 
> 
> this is lowkey a chapter i've been wanting to get to for *months* so... i hope yall have fun, because i certainly am
> 
> oh! final thing, I messed with the tags, summary, and title a bit. Previously they were kind of a relic of my urgent desire to post this as fast as possible, and I wanted to fix that.

They had walked at least twenty meters when Angus stopped. "I can't believe we managed that! Um, not that – not that I was scared, b-but – do you think Merle's going to be okay, sir?” Angus said, touching the illusory script on their arms gingerly.

 

Davenport closed his eyes. “F-f-f-f-fine,” he bit out. His heart was beating fast, like some of the magic he'd cast was still ricocheting around, making it impossible to fucking _concentrate_ on his words. Illusion magic was unbelievably strong here.

 

He took a deep breath. Godsdammit, but this was bad timing. Do you know sign language? He signed.

 

Angus squinted at him. “D-did you sign something, sir? I'm a human, I can't see in the dark,” Angus said apologetically.

 

Right. Phone it was. Davenport pushed his toes down into the tile to try and ground his racing heart, and grabbed his phone from the inner pocket. Why had he let Merle convince him to wear this ridiculous mermaid costume, again?

 

Davenport tried not to think about Merle.

 

Have you seen indications of the Frankensteins yet? He typed into text-to-speech.

 

"Welllll, I haven't been able to see much, but it seems suspiciously similar, and from what I've seen of the building plans, we shouldn't have been able to walk this long without running into the party again. I think we've got to try one of these rooms.” Before Davenport could say anything, Angus had already pulled open a door.

 

* _TW_ *

 

 _ **Krshhkjkhskk -**_ Davenport's body was one big flinch trying to escape the bad noise and the cool stone wall pushing slow inexorable in he couldn't speak he couldn't move but suddenly he could _see_ Dally, and Mama, and Merle, and they were being crushed, too,

 

“Lemmka, say something!” Mama begged, and if he could just say something, but he _couldn't_ , the words could not,

 

“Dav,” Merle said, and there was stone _crushing him_ and he couldn't –

 

“Lemmy,” Dally said. But they wouldn't have called him that. And suddenly Davenport knew it was not real. He was in a corridor hung with tacky spiderweb bunting, and Angus was crying.

 

* _TW_ *

 

Davenport scrambled over to Angus on his hands and knees and shook their shoulder. He wanted to say something comforting, but the words still wouldn't come.

 

“G-grandpa,” Angus stuttered, and then scrambled to their feet, wiping frantically at their face. “I m-mean, sir? S-sorry.” They were still curled into themself, drumming their fingers on their messenger bag, wings askew, silver makeup smudged.

 

Davenport's heart ached. He reached out and carefully straightened Angus's wings.

 

“Oh. Uh, thanks, sir,” Angus said.

 

“Man, that worst fear shit's brutal, huh?”

 

Davenport whipped around.

 

“Don't say that kind of thing!” snapped the second Frankenstein, leaning casually against a door.

 

“Then you can't do it either! Don't you know that questions and commands don't have truth values?” The first Frankenstein said. He looked identical to the second Frankenstein, down to the short shorts and crop top.

 

The second one scoffed.

 

“What would the other Frankenstein say if I asked which door was the right one?” Angus said.

 

“I think he'd be all, 'that's a complicated question, my dude, how'm I supposed to know',” said the first Frankenstein.

 

Davenport frowned.

 

“I would,” said the second. “You have to tell the truth.”

 

“That's not – ” Angus scowled. “You can't say it like that! You gotta answer the question!”

 

“Alright fine, fine, Mr. Liar over there would say his door is the right one, come on in,” the Frankenstein said, stepping aside.

 

Davenport squinted at him, thankful for his darkvision. The Gatekeeper Riddle was well known; gnommish toddlers could solve it. He'd never heard this version before, because it didn't make any fucking sense. Unless...

 

Angus frowned and turned to the second Frankenstein. “And you?” he demanded.

 

This Frankenstein rolled his eyes. “He'd probably say my door's the right one,” he said. “This is totally necessary, I can tell.”

 

“Well you're the one letting me ask more than one question!” Angus walked up to the door, but they hesitated at the handle.

 

Davenport put his hand through the first Frankenstein's leg.

 

Angus, this one is an illu –  he started to type, and then the second Frankenstein roared, and lunged at Angus, and Davenport cast Green Flame Blade and chucked – wait fuck that was his phone – and then the second Frankenstein was on fire and the first had disappeared, and Angus had ducked behind him and the adrenaline pushed the words through and Davenport snapped,

 

“W-where. Is the fucking. R-relic?”

 

“It's next door.” said the liar, patting out his crop top. “If you must know. Lollllth, I _love_ fire. Just the fucking best. Doesn't sting at all!”

 

Fuck, what did 'it's next door' even mean in this scenario? There were so many places which were _not_ next door.

 

“Sir, I-I think we should check it out. I mean, he's clearly the liar, but… but I think we need to gather more information.”

 

“I'm going in first,” said Davenport. Angus scowled at him, but didn't object.

 

Davenport grabbed his phone – it didn't seem _totally_ fucked up; lucky he had a Fantasy Otter Box – and then grasped the handle.

 

He was trembling.

 

“S-sir – ”

 

Davenport opened the door. “Oh, it's you again,” said a Frankenstein, sitting in the corner of a totally normal, empty room. “Can't you leave a guy alone?”

 

Angus threw a small rock at him.

 

It hit something with a _clang_ , and the Illusory Frankenstein disappeared, leaving a small metal box which radiated illusion magic.

 

Davenport walked over to it, cautious, and looked at the combination. Six letters.

 

“Sir, do you know any light spells? It's kind of dark in here,” Angus said.

 

“Uh,” Now that the tension had eased, even a little bit, words were flying away again. Davenport scowled, and grabbed his phone.

 

Luckily, the keyboard seemed more or less intact. No, sorry he typed.

 

“Oh, your fantasy cellphone probably has a flashlight! That works too!”

 

Really? Davenport wrote. Since when?

 

Angus shrugged. “Fantasy cellphones usually do. Here, gimme!” They held out their hand.  
  
No, Angus, Davenport said. Here, I'll hold it, you look.

 

Angus looked briefly hurt, and turned away to start investigating the safe as soon as Davenport turned the light on.

 

“This... this seems like it's holding the Oculus. Does it seem right to you?”

 

Davenport nodded. There was an aura of illusion magic around the keyhole. If it wasn't real it was a very convincing fake.

 

“Wait, the Liar Frankenstein said that this wasn't where the Relic is, so... so this _can't be next door_!” Angus said. “I-if this is really the place the Relic is, there's gotta be another door between the Liar's and this one.”

 

Davenport sighed. This had already been a really, _really_ long night, and he was painfully aware that mignight, and Merle's doom, was approaching.

 

Let's go, then, he typed.

 

***

 

Merle looked at Kravitz. “So. Wanna arm wrestle?”

 

“No, you infuriating dwarf, I do _not_!”

 

“Awright, suit yourself,” Merle shrugged, leaning against a pillar. “Makes sense, too. I know a lotta folks are intimidated by these guns,” Merle said.

 

Was it worth it to murder an innocent child to reap Merle _fucking_ Highchurch? Kravitz clenched his fists. It probably wasn't. Probably.

 

“Let's go,” he snapped, and tugged Merle along.

 

***

 

Another boring, empty room. Another identical Frankenstein.

 

“Okay, who are _you_?” Angus complained, staring at him. “This is just getting repetitive!”

 

“I'm a Frankenstein who only tells the truth,” said the Frankenstein.

 

“Okay, and who are the other Frankensteins in this mansion?” Angus said.

 

“Well, let's see... there's Frankie, he's just outside, always lies, and then there's the fake guy, Stein, also hangs out around here... little Monny is over in the garden shed, and Star is the spider's bodyguard, I think Brian might be hiring a new guy on Saturday?”

 

“Really?” Angus said, staring at him. “Wait, no, that's not important, um – what's the password to the safe?”

 

“1916254518,” said the Frankenstein. “Was that all? See, I was taking a nap...”

 

Angus frowned. “It only had six letters,” they said.

 

“That's all I know. Never seen the safe, myself. Just what the boss elf told me.”

 

“Let's go, sir,” Angus said, marching out of the room, “There's nothing more to see here.”

 

Davenport followed.

 

“Okay. This seems like a simple code; I'm going to see if I can work it out but you enter it, okay, sir? But only once I'm done!”

 

Davenport nodded.

 

“Alright, let's see. It begins with either an A or an S... words starting with vowels aren't as common, so let's say S. Then... A, or P... uh... S-A-F...Y? B? No, _that_ doesn't work. S-P-Y – okay, promising – SPYDER! I got it!”

 

Davenport entered the code, hands sweaty. He pulled on the lock. _Nothing_. Davenport stared at it, willing it to not be true. Angus was smart, but they were still just a kid. What if they'd guessed wrong, and this was another trap, and the Reaper killed Merle and –

 

“Did you forget the Y, sir?” Angus said.

 

Davenport frowned. I thought you said spider? He typed.

 

“Spyder with a Y!”

 

“How droll.” interrupted an unfamiliar voice.

 

“Isn't it just, Edward,” drawled the elf leaning against the doorway, casting Tasha's Hideous Laughter with a negligent wave of her arm.

 

“We'll be taking that, darlings, but thanks for doing all the work,” the elf continued. As she spoke, Edward leaned over Davenport and entered the code. Davenport wanted to bite off his fucking nose.

 

“Would you do the honors, Lydia, darling?” he said, withdrawing a small glass circle which radiated illusion magic so strong it was nearly impossible to focus on.

 

“Oh, of _course_ ,” she purred. “I can't wait to see his face when we show up like this!”

 

“Still say we shouldn't bother with the contest,” Edward said, ears flicking. “We'll be liches with all of the benefits and none of the actual dying, Dia!”

 

She waved him off. “We can talk about this later. That paralysis isn't going to last forever, Eddy.”

 

They grabbed the Oculus and began chanting. Davenport could see Lydia's face through the visible crackle of magic. She was intent, grinning even, but her ears were pinned back against her head in fear. The magic built and built, till Davenport couldn't make out Lydia anymore through the twisting air, and then he couldn't make out _anything_.

 

***

 

Magnus was almost to the second-to-last chapter again when a wave of magic rolled over his intense concentration.

 

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he said, still half-stuck on Katie Cormorant, evil scientist-warlock's evil plan. “What the fuck is going on in there?”

 

Wait, that wasn't his voice, and Taako definitely hadn't come back –

 

“Shit, actually, what the fuck is going on _out here_?”

 

Still wasn't his voice, and his – well, Taako's – clothes weren't uncomfortable anymore, either. Sort of. Still itchy, but less tight, anyway. Fuck, if he'd transformed into Taako, that meant he had _magic_!

 

Okay, shit, he really wanted to get in there but there were reasons he shouldn't, right? He was the getaway driver.

  
Magnus twitched his hands on the steering wheel and _sparks_ happened. Fuck, and Taako and everyone could be in danger! Wasn't Barry wearing a bathrobe?

 

Magnus rushed in.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mwahahaha

**Author's Note:**

> i have no clue how balancing two wips at once is gonna go! haven't written in years! literally haven't ever written a funny fic before! but we're going with it! I'm amped actually i have no idea how the heist scene's gonna go but i'm pretty sure it's gonna be f u n 
> 
> hey, if you liked it, gimme those sweet sweet comments and kudos!


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